Twenty Fun, I look to you! 🍾🥂✨️

 My dear readers, I'm proud of you. You've made it this far and you're still standing, despite how hard it might be to. It's quite disheartening, however, how long it took me to write to you after my last post, but know that I have thought of you constantly and my heart is never far from this space that we've all come to know and love. I sometimes come on this page, not as the author but as the reader, loving the view and taking in every article that has taken abode in this space. I look at them, and it reminds me of every section of life that I have lived and the air that I breathe. And it makes me fall in love again with myself, the work of art that is my mind and soul, and grateful to God our creator for giving me life and this gift.

Whilst in my gratitude, I cannot forget how long the year has been and the process I have had to undergo.

Before the end of 2022, I had made my 2023 To-Do list and didn’t want to fill it up with so many things that I possibly couldn't achieve because of how spontaneous life can be. So I kept it simple, and so far, hopefully, before the year runs out, I'll be able to cross item 4 off my list. Here is the list below: 

This year started with a lot of rejection. Lol. I had sent out poetry, short stories, creative works to international magazines, and it all got rejected. Was I bummed and dispirited? Definitely! Did that hurt my ego and confidence in my art? Yes, it did.

So there I was, unmotivated, considering giving up writing altogether when I finally realized that it is a process and just because they rejected my work doesn't mean I wasn't good enough. It doesn't measure my value as an artist. Art is subjective, and I definitely will win some others as I forge ahead in the future. With that mindset in tow, I continued to write because I enjoyed it, and I continued to grow.

The second phase of the rejects came from job applications. I remember my friend, Amaka, and I lamenting on how it was so hard to come by internship jobs since we were still college students without superb results and necessary connections that other students seemed to have.

It's funny now that I think about it, but it wasn't funny then. The feeling of being lost and reaching out but having no one to hold your hand felt so permanent, and I already felt like a failure.

However, if there's one thing ingrained into me early in life, it's to not sit around moping and wallowing in self-pity. So I thought to myself, the people getting these opportunities I want so badly, how are they doing it? I asked the right questions, learned the right skills, took the right courses, and applied myself fully to the process. And I must say, hard work and smart work truly pay. As of the end of July, I got two internship offers. I was overjoyed. And everything felt so surreal. Like how? Nevertheless, I was grateful to God for giving me strength to forge on even in the midst of disappointment, and you know the saying, "There's light at the end of the tunnel"? There indeed was light.

For my relationships? I reflect on the year 2022 and how it played a monumental role in shaping the relationships I now cherish in 2023. 2021-2022 were years of revelations, and I'm indeed happy that I've finally severed ties with so many situations and people. I have come to see and accept present events as they are and what they are, finding contentment in just being. Nevertheless, I do wish everyone I no longer speak to immense happiness and a fulfilling life.

2023 has been a year of immense growth and change. I'm grateful for all that has been thrown my way because if there's one thing I understand now, it is that God doesn't give you struggles you can't handle; all you need to do is to let His spirit guide you.

So to my dear loyal readers, whether the year 2023 has been fruitful or not, approach the end of it with gratitude. For in fact, there is light after darkness. You just have to trust in yourself and your creator. You are more than enough to get you to the path you aspire to be on. Regardless of how far away it seems to be from your grasp, you'll get there. I'll put a pin in it here for now; I look forward to seeing you in the new year. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

PS: As is the status quo, I'll be celebrating the end of the year with the anniversary of my birth. I'll really appreciate it, if you say a little prayer for me. 

Bisou Bisou,

Dee.

DRAWING WATER

Before I dive into today's article, I'm giving you a heads-up. 😂 I think the philosophy courses and articles I've been taking and reading lately have somewhat ingrained themselves in my system. I've become quite accustomed to deep contemplation about why things are the way they are and the truths behind them. Not to say that I'm a philosopher. 😂 I just find it fascinating, and I hope this message finds you well. Let's dive in.

I now understand that you can neither be solely a good nor a bad person. I'm not good nor bad; I'm human. I do mundane things that flow naturally from within, because I am human. "Human me does and feels human things."

I've come to realize that I control how I feel about the narrative that's passed around about me. Accepting my imperfections as innate qualities sets me apart, and that in itself feels like I've broken free from the shackles of vanity. As there is as much bad as there is good in me.

I see now that we occasionally demonstrate goodness because we fear judgment, hoping that others perceive us as kind and virtuous. However, we sometimes, do this to feel good about ourselves. To affirm that we are indeed good, we quantify all our good deeds to prove a point. Why? I've figured it is to showcase our benevolence, gain recognition, or validate our intentions.

It's selfish – I'd even say more selfish than actually being true to your own emotions.

Why make someone think you're someone you're not? Why make them paint you white when you are black? I ask myself these questions, maybe because I want to understand why we do things we don't want to. But really, this is me fully grasping the depth of our collective vanity and superficiality.

Emotion – the good kind – leaves you feeling high, like you're floating on cloud 9. It's not inherently bad, and it's not inherently good either. We are allowed to want to connect with things, no matter how fickle they might be, to feel good. You know?

What's dawned on me is the recognition that humans are incentive-driven beings. For instance, individuals often extend acts of kindness with the underlying belief that these gestures will be repaid in kind, either directly or for future generations. This exemplifies how we blend acts of kindness with our self-interest, forming a complex pattern that defines our motivations and actions.

Basically, our human journey is like a mix of different reasons that come together like a song from deep within us. Everything we do, whether to help others or for ourselves, adds to the tune that shapes our lives.

XOXO

It's Not You, It's Me🥺

Whew! It’s the tenth month of the year. Are you kidding me? Long time no blog post. Did you miss me? For me, I missed you all. I thought about so many things and so many ways I should write to you, but I always let something else get in the way. And now we are here, two months and days from my last blog post and me losing my blog streak. LOL, if that’s a thing. Anyways, there has been a lot and so much to catch up on, but to summarize it all, I'd say that this has been a really transformative year for me. A lot has changed, internally and externally. I must say that it has been so scary for me too. And with how everything has been coming at me, I like to look back when I get the chance to reflect.

Do you ever not like change? I mean, have you ever found yourself being so anxious and weary of what change could do and bring? Have you found comfort in your routine, not looking to upscale, but at the same time wishing to, but you would rather not because you are not sure you want or need the change? Well, this is not to say that I don’t like change, but I remember having a conversation about this particular concept with a work colleague of mine a few weeks ago. She asked why I'm still friends with certain people when I know they aren’t friends in the real sense. I made an unconscious response to that question with, “because I'm familiar with their attitude and I know what to expect and what not to.” And then she instantly psychoanalyzed me and told me she thinks I have a control problem. Then I thought about it really. Actually, I do have a problem. My need to control things just comes in the most unusual ways, just like I have written above. I remain in certain situations just because I don’t want to change things and I can control what it is I already know the likely outcome of. Of course, I do take risks, once in a while, but the chances of that happening between 0-5 are quite slim.

A lot has indeed changed, and a lot has changed me. Do I find them to be scary sometimes? 100%, but then again, such is life. The trick to it is to grab it by its horns and navigate it towards the best suitable path to tread on. And so this is plain Dee writing to you all after a long hiatus, telling you that change can be good when you let it. Fear is your biggest enemy, and like I always say, “you never really know what you are made of or can achieve if you never put yourself out there.” Be bold, and trust in your abilities.

By the way, I don’t think I've mentioned it on here that I recently published a poetry chapbook, and it is available in both ebook and paperback formats. To purchase a copy, click on the link in my widgets section which says, “I'm an author, buy my book.” My poetry chapbook gives a little insight into how much your girl has grown, and I'm so happy that I finally mustered up the courage to finish it and publish it. When you do read it, please leave a review; I love to receive feedback. I have another book which is a short story, and I'm sure you will get the whole idea of it once you click on the link you really need to.

Signing off, do not be sad, guys; this was just a quick pop in, as real life has me on a chokehold for now. I'm pretty sad that I haven’t been writing as much as I should be recently. However, I'm not totally off; I'll still write to you, but I write on various other mediums as well. Look me up on Instagram, X (Formely Twitter), Threads, LinkedIn, etc. Let us connect. I go by the name Agnes Dairo on most of these apps. I really do hope to see your connection requests. Do have a wonderful week ahead. And to the Nigerians reading this, I am wishing you a happy independence.

       XOXO 

Lamentations and Whatnots

 

Is it just me? But I get really sad when someone I love wakes up one day and decides that they don't want to be friends or lovers anymore, and they walk out, leaving me wondering how it went wrong, what I could have done to prevent it, if I was the problem, or why they couldn't love me or stay with me for as long as I can or am willing to.

You could say these are the reasons behind why I've been somewhat hesitant when it comes to opening up to people or making new friends. You could say I'm stuck in the past, and I'm finding it hard to give new people a chance. These days, I've been socially awkward and always find an excuse to bury myself in a pile of abstract or theoretical work that doesn't require me to connect or network physically. I shy away and cower at the thought of being surrounded by people I'm not familiar with. I don't want to know you; I don't want to fall in love with your personality, and I don't want to dream about our lives together and get attached.

Most people close to me would say I'm hung up on the surreal idea of what a relationship should be. Could it be my head or heart is just stuck in the clouds? I can't have that one person who's my go-to for everything; I can't be everything for them either, so what is the ideal society relationship like? One that doesn't have depth or any meaning? Are we all just stringing ourselves along because somehow this person is important when it comes to academics, business, art, etc.?

Do I have abandonment issues? Maybe, yes, no, I can't say...

Do I want people to stay? Yes, totally.

Do they? 80% of the time, they leave. Lately, I've longed and actually been lamenting about the fact that I don't have a best friend. It's been about a year since I lost one, and the thought of it still hurts till today.

Maybe I'm suffering from the ability to love so deeply and quickly with fickle beings. But that is me, and I can't apologize for being a plain simp.

XOXO

I Miss the Comfort of Being Sad

It's another go-around the sun for this blog, and I still can't believe it, guys. But it's safe to say that while I've been given another year to write to you, my dear loyal readers, I will always come here with a mind-stimulating article. Let's dig in, shall we?

Today, I want to explore a topic that has been on my mind lately—a subject that demands our attention and understanding: the addictiveness of depression. It's strange how our emotions can sometimes become a familiar sanctuary, even when they seem counterintuitive. This idea was prompted by three separate encounters—a touching post I read on Instagram, an article written by a friend, and my personal experiences. These encounters served as a catalyst for this contemplative journey, and I felt the need to delve deeper into this mysterious aspect of life.

Interestingly, the Instagram post portrayed a young man battling with the shadows of depression, and as I read the post, I couldn't help but relate to the allure of that darkness. There's an odd comfort in sinking into despair—a sense of control amidst chaos. For some, depression becomes an old friend—a space where emotions intertwine, finding solace in its embrace. It almost feels like donning a familiar, tattered coat—a coat that shields us from the world's expectations and pressures.

But what if depression becomes more than just a visitor? What if it starts to linger, seeping into every aspect of our lives until we find ourselves entangled in its snare? It's not a conscious decision to become addicted to sorrow, but as we linger in its clutches, we may start to lose sight of who we once were.

To be honest, after reading about her experience, I began to understand some of my mannerisms as well. I'd clamor, work for, and look forward to something, and when it finally does happen, I'd shrug it off like it didn't mean anything at all. Of course, internally, I was sure I wanted to display nothing short of joy, but I just couldn't bring myself to. On some other occasion, I'd try to hold onto a toxic view that the world was better without me in it and I didn't choose to be born. Why? I ask myself. I have life good, I have a family that adores me, I have love in abundance, I have intelligence and almost everything working for me, but why do I still cling to feeling continuously like crap when my life isn't?

This eye-opening revelation highlights the delicate balance between sorrow and happiness. When depression takes root, it can become a comfort zone, perpetuating a cycle of negativity that seems almost impossible to break. As strange as it may sound, depression can be addictive, tempting us to dwell in its clutches rather than seeking the light beyond the shadows.

The question then arises, how do we overcome this addictive despair? The journey to break free is complex, and it starts with acknowledging the presence of depression in our lives. We must recognize that it's okay to seek help and support, just as we would during any other addiction. Opening up about our struggles is not a sign of weakness but rather a display of strength—a step towards reclaiming our lives.

Moreover, we need to be mindful of the stories we tell ourselves. Instead of allowing depression to define us, let's remember that we are more than our sorrows. Each one of us is a tapestry of experiences, both good and bad, and we shouldn't let the dark threads overshadow the vibrant colors that weave our lives together.

Seeking professional help, talking to loved ones, and engaging in activities that bring joy are essential steps in overcoming the grip of addictive depression.

And just like the passing of another year for this blog, life too keeps moving forward, and with it, our understanding of ourselves and the world around us evolves. Until we meet again, my dear readers, take care, and let's continue to grow and learn together.

XOXO

Papa, Is That You?

Today is Father's Day, and as I reflect on this occasion, I realize that I may not be the most qualified person to discuss the topic. Having lost my father at a very young age, I have no personal experience of the father-daughter bond. Looking back, I can't help but feel a sense of longing, as if I've missed out on an essential part of life. Yet, over the years, I have come to grasp a glimpse of what I believe it should be.

During my childhood, my mother had a close friend who would visit us regularly. Whenever he came over, he would bring my favorite snacks and captivate me with bedtime stories about the mischievous adventures of the cunning tortoise. I would run to him, exclaiming "Big Daddy" with joy, and he would catch me in his arms, playfully lift me up, and place me on his lap. I would excitedly chatter away about my day, sharing personal details meant only for family. In my young mind, he became like family, and I would proudly boast to my classmates that he was my father. He held a special place in my heart then, and he still does now. Sometimes, I wonder how different my upbringing would have been without those cherished moments, as I can't imagine anything that could replace those memories. Unfortunately, this kind-hearted man passed away a few years ago, but his memory will forever remain dear to me.

With age, I have come to understand that fatherhood encompasses much more than the experiences I had. Our society often fails to recognize the immense sacrifices made by men for their families. Men leave their own families to build a home for themselves, their wives, and their children. A good and responsible man dedicates most of his life to his family, prioritizing their needs over his own. Despite being labeled as the "stronger sex," men are denied the opportunity to show vulnerability, express emotions, or make mistakes. If they do, they often face criticism even from those they consider family and friends—the very people who should be there to support them in their times of need. Men, too, are human beings and should be allowed to experience a range of emotions, to be fragile, and to acknowledge their pain. They are integral members of society and contribute significantly to its growth. These men are our fathers, brothers, cousins, uncles, and friends.

I have come to realize that being a father goes beyond simply being a playmate. Deep contemplation has led me to the conclusion that not having a biological father does not make me fatherless. I am fortunate to have two wonderful men who are married to my elder sisters. They have stepped into the role of father figures with grace and love, defying societal norms. Through their presence and guidance, I have gained a clearer understanding that being a father is not solely determined by genetics but is rooted in love—the truest and purest form of love.

 XOXO 

Jar of Hearts

Hey book worms! It's Dee again. Your friend, confidante, and goofball. Well, I'm going ahead to give my dramatic intro now that the salutations have been exchanged.

"To love is to die many times and be reborn into paradise." - Agnes Dairo.

Confused? Chuckles!

I recently started writing unrequited love stories because it's a favorite pastime of mine, and, well, I've had a substantial amount of experience with it. I record and turn them into videos. Then later, I post them on Instagram and TikTok. If you're interested, the handle is @InTheShadowOfLove. So far, I have gathered a few followers who are attracted to my beautiful and moving writing. Sprinkles some spice.

Then, one day, while scrolling through the streets of TikTok, I saw a video where it came to my notice that people only focus on the pain of unrequited love but forget to consider the pain of the object of that love, i.e., to be at the receiving end of unwanted feelings.

This video made me realise how unfair it is that we often fail to consider the emotions of the person who unintentionally becomes the villain in our stories. Looking back, I must admit my own past selfishness, and perhaps many of you can relate. Now here is a little exercise for you. Place yourself in the shoes of the other person. The person who is supposedly the object of your desires, the one who thoughts of them start your mornings and end your evenings, the one who your heart calls for, the one who you burn for. See what I did there? 😉

You don't love this person as they do you. They are probably your friend, coworker, or someone who just has a pleasant air about them, and you love to have them around, but you have no choice but to break their heart because you simply do not feel the same way. If that were you and such a person meant the world to you albeit in a platonic way, wouldn't it hurt you or break your heart a little to give them up? Knowing that your relationship with such a person might never fully heal? You get it now? I did this same exercise, and I guess you could say I understood how hard it could be for them too. I'm in no way invalidating the person whose love is unrequited feelings; I'm just looking at it through a different lens.

To be frank with you, bookworms, being alone in love sucks. And with reference to the quote I made earlier: "To love is to die many times and be reborn into paradise." What makes love stories so beautiful is the fact that both parties truly and deeply love each other. I say, "To have one's true love love them is to be born anew into a fantasy that will never end." Now, imagine a love where it is only you loving from afar. There will be no light, just darkness and hurt, and you might never truly know what happiness feels like. But really, unrequited loves aren't as bad as they are entirely made out to be, friends, as "There's a beauty in pain," and that love which has left you wounded can also heal you if you extend it to yourself."

 XOXO

TRANSCENDENCE

It seems wrong to think you're a good person or friend only because you treat your supposed friend or whoever how you would love to be treated. Humans are complicated and unpredictable, so relating with others requires more than just this simple approach. Therefore, relating with people isn't a piece of cake as many of us have made it out to be.

It's more like trying to feed a child vegetables in the hopes that they will eat them because it makes them healthy. A healthy child equals happy parents. Anyway, while the theory I mentioned earlier might work in a few cases or most, I've noted some irregularities with it, and I'm definitely going to share.

Exhibit A 

Elizabeth calls me every night before she goes to bed to hear about how my day went, offer encouragement and kind words, and ask if I need help making things easier for the next day. While I appreciate her efforts towards being a supportive friend, I might appreciate it a little more if she actually texted during the day and didn't wait until the day ends before checking in. What if I got into an accident? What if I had a mental breakdown or an episode during the day and needed help?

When I meet someone else who offers what I prefer, is it impossible to conclude that I'll become better friends with such a person and cease to notice Elizabeth's efforts towards me? If we turn the tables, we would see that Elizabeth is showing her support the way she expects to receive it but doesn't understand that I do not 'feel' supported, and so her efforts are wasted on me, regardless of her intentions.

Exhibit B 

John likes to buy gifts to make up for missing dates, plans, holidays because he has 'work to do,' leaving no room for actual time to connect. In John's defense, he sends flowers, trinkets, etc. to show his commitment. It doesn't register, as gifts don't matter to me as I'm into spending time together to connect.

I could go on and on, but really what I'm getting at is that people don't always want to be treated how you would love to be treated. It's what makes them unique and different from you. We all have our different love languages, and it's in how we read things.

This particular article reminds me of conversations I've had about how love languages aren't only limited to romantic relationships but are also present in friendships, which is evident in my tweets below. 

I was a bit vague there, but here is what I really meant:

When it comes to friendships, it's important to recognize that different people have different love languages. You can't assume that the way you like to give and receive love is the same as your friend's preferences. So, it's important to communicate and understand each other's love languages. This means being intentional about getting to know what your friend actually likes, rather than assuming based on your own preferences.

In terms of compromise, it means finding out how to express love and affection in a way that resonates with your friend's love language, even if it's not your preferred way of showing affection. It might mean making an effort to spend more quality time with them, giving them thoughtful gifts, or offering words of affirmation, for example.

Ultimately, real friendships involve mutual understanding and respect for each other's differences. It's about making the effort to connect with each other in a way that feels meaningful and authentic. So, in essence, the real work is about being intentional and getting to know what they actually like and not what is presupposed by your actions towards them. Hear them out and listen to them. A relationship is not a one-man party, you know?


Hey there! It's been a while, missed me? 😄 I've been enjoying my break and sorry not sorry, I haven't been tempted to write anything until today. I do hope, you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. For readers wondering why our layout has changed, I wouldn't be the gracious host that I am if I didn't make your reading experience comfortable. Although, if you're wondering where you can find the attachments, you can do that in two ways, the first one is easy. Look below and click "View web version" or set your browser to desktop site and they will appear. While you're on there, don't forget to subscribe, and share. Adios!

XOXO 

UNPLUGGED

I was watching a Korean thriller a few days ago and in the movie, the guy had installed spyware into his victim's phone and was watching her every move through the spyware. He was literally spying on her, listening in on her conversations, watching her, had access to her social media etcetera. This guy had her in the palm of his hands just because he could get into her phone, and when I deeply think about it, it makes me want to toss my phone and never own one ever again.

Lmao, but that isn't possible. While I don't dispute that these tiny computers have somewhat become so important to us and are very essential in living, especially in the world of today, I've wondered if people can actually live without their phones for even a day or two without going completely nuts.

I say this because I remember a day when Instagram, Facebook, WhatsApp - the Meta world in general, had a problem and we couldn't access our social media for the entire day. Luckily for me, I was so busy offline, and after I came home that day, I wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed, eat my dinner, watch a movie, and maybe then drift off to sleep. Sleep I did not, as I settled into watching Squid games, which had 1-hour long episodes, and I couldn't stop myself from watching until the end. Totally engrossed in my series, I completely forgot about social media and the outside world in general. It was not until I thought to check my messages the next day that I started to realize what had gone down the other day. I came online to meet rants, lamentations, and I couldn’t relate because, matter of factly, I didn't see how a whole day without social media was such a bad thing.

Sometimes I spontaneously turn off my phone just to be disconnected from technology for the whole day. I want no contact with the outside world, and I want nobody contacting me as well. Although going off like that can cause people who care about me a lot to worry, and that is why I don't do it so much. But on a few days, I like to drift away from the world that is the internet into my own world, the world that people forget to live in.

I like to take long walks at night, with the cool breeze blowing, touching my skin and hair. I like to admire nature: the trees, flowers, sunsets, and animals. I like to gaze at the stars and wonder why the moon is so bright at night. I bask in the solitude that just living in the world allows me to enjoy the simple things that make Earth, Earth. I like to know people and not what they post on social media. I'd like to know them, really.

In essence, I think we've all become so accustomed to the world online that we forget about the real world—the world we live in and I think it leaves a gap in a person. I mean, when you find fulfillment only in the things the world online gives you and can't do the same offline, it leaves a type of void that you might never know how to crawl out from. So why not start small? Take a day or two off and see what happens.

Hey look over here — If you've been enjoying my blog, abeg support your girl by subscribing via email and sharing my links. Also, in my previous post I asked readers to drop topics they would be interested in reading. Anyhoo, you'll be seeing me soon, I've got something cooked up. 😉 

 XOXO 

PLAIN RADICAL HONESTY

It's April dear readers, and while I'm not so enthusiastic about seeing what the second quarter of the year has in store, I'm writing this article in hopes that you learn something from my newest discovery. 

Let's talk about honesty, and not just any form of it. I mean plain, radical honesty in relationships. To be frank, I've been seeing someone for the past few months, and while I haven't been so public with the whole experience, it's been wonderful and unlike anything I've experienced. I found not just a partner but a friend.

Here's why: In the past, I've often had to prove myself. I've had to make people want to stay just because of what I could give or offer them. I didn't mind, especially when it came with self-inflicted inconvenience. All I needed was for them to stay, and it was my way of holding onto the said friendships. I was also afraid of what speaking my mind could do to those I called my friends, and it was a huge internal conflict within me, especially because I don't believe in telling people I call friends the same BS they want to hear just because we are friends. So, in whatever they did, I mostly held my tongue or looked the other way when I could. In other cases, I spoke my mind, and it led to the end of the friendships. 

Not to derail from the subject matter at hand, but those experiences have somewhat made me understand that people don't really mean it or flat out don't know what they're asking when they say they want you to be honest with them. 

Here, the big question always is: can they handle honesty?

The harsh truth is that they can't. I've learnt this the hard way, and it's brazen in the walls of my mind now.

With this person, I'm in awe of not just their personality but our relationship when arguments and modes of reconciliation play into the dynamic. It's mind-blowing how we're so eager to understand and get to the bottom of the PROBLEM and not just who said this or who said that. We're intentional about US, and we leave no misunderstanding unaddressed. It's a game-changer, and I'm starting to see how deep a relationship can actually be when you're just being yourself.

This blog post has no definite direction other than me just sharing my mind-blowing discovery, and I'm afraid you might be confused as well as I am as to where this is going, but whelp! Having the right kind of people, "intentional people" in your life, goes a long way and adds nothing but positivity to you. I've not had to pretend or tune down my thoughts, I've not had to make over-the-top sacrifices just to keep a relationship, and to me, that is bliss. The fact that a person chose and loves me for who I am is more than I could ever ask for.

Anyways, why am I ranting about PLAIN RADICAL HONESTY so much?

Ever thought about what not having honest discussions with someone you consider a friend, partner, sister, heck, your whole family does to you?

 

Avoiding what needs to be addressed leads to building up a silent resentment towards them, which could ultimately destroy the relationship you have with that person. It's something I didn't realize until, of course, I experienced it, and I understand it more now.

So let me just say, plain radical honesty can transform your relationships and make them more fulfilling. It's essential to have people in your life who are intentional, and with whom you can have open and honest communication. Trust me, it's the way to go.

As a special 'Thank you' to my audience, and for the massive support I have received over the months. I'll be taking monthly blog topic suggestions. Let me know, if you're interested, in the comment section below. 

XOXO 

"Love and Individuality: A Delicate Balance"

 Author: Odugbemi Darasimi

It could be difficult to love someone and not forget who you are or who you want to be in them. Many times, you could get so invested and committed to loving a person (romantic relationship) that, without conscious and intentional efforts, you are likely to lose who you are. You begin to lose hold of the things that often excited you before they came around. Sometimes, you start to like the things that they like and even hate those things that they hate. Which is fine, it’s the peculiar thing about love. However, the downside to it is when they do leave or when it is time for you to leave. The investments you have made in them and the person you have become in them, as well as the influence they now have on you, could stop you from leaving them or making efforts to pack up and leave. Obviously, I mean when the relationship has now become unhealthy or toxic. It could even be bad to the extent that their opinion about you totally cancels the opinion you have always had about yourself, and I mean not in a good way. You may no longer be confident in who you think you are or who you know yourself to be. You would often seek validation from them, and when you no longer get positive validations, you take on the job of transforming yourself into the person that they would want you to be.

Also, when you begin to have recurring issues, talk about consistently complaining about a certain person who you don’t feel comfortable about the way they relate to your partner, and it becomes frequent that you start questioning whether you are the oversensitive one or the one with the problem. Summarily, when you can count an uncomfortable number of issues to the extent that your mental health is taking a very bad turn.

I’m no relationship expert, but you’d agree with me, or you should at least, that love should and can help you find who you are. When you are with a person that supports you, who drives you to be your best person, who helps you see beyond your weaknesses and shortcomings, someone who just fires you up, they don’t allow you to get lost in their shadow. They give the right amount of support that you need. But this same thing- “Love” can make you, like I said before, get so consumed in loving someone that you can be blind to the seemingly glaring things.

What is the way forward? I don’t know 🤷‍♀️. But what I can say is, no matter how much you love someone and how much they mean to you, you should love yourself more. Take time to weigh all the differences that they have made since they came into your life. Check to see if you are on track with the person you wanted to be before meeting and loving them. Do you still know what you like? Do you have a favorite thing to do that doesn’t revolve around them but still makes you happy? Just do a thorough check-in to see if you still recognize who you have become.

"The Cycle of Stupidity: Why Some Youths Never Grow Out of It"

 As I was scrolling through my WhatsApp timeline, a particular phrase used in a caption by a friend caught my eye. It said: "Stupid youths grow up to be stupid adults."

In my own words, I would say that the term "stupid" in this particular context is not about IQ, but more about lacking common sense, critical thinking, and emotional intelligence — You know...those things that help us navigate life and make good decisions?

Now, let's address a few reasons behind why some youths might end up being "stupid" adults. The environment we grow up in plays a massive role in shaping us. If there is no support or encouragement to develop our critical thinking, education, and emotional intelligence, we're going to struggle as adults.

The choices we make as youths also carry serious consequences. For example, if you're into drugs at a very young age, it can mess up your brain development and make it harder to think straight when you're older. This means that drug abuse can impact the brain’s ability to function in the short term as well as prevent proper growth and development in the long term.

Furthermore, the company we keep can also influence us greatly. If we surround ourselves with people who aren't the sharpest tools in the shed, we're likely to adopt those same traits.

But let's not forget that not every "stupid" youth ends up being a "stupid" adult. Some can overcome their upbringing and make serious positive changes in their lives. However, realistically speaking, habits and behaviors are hard to break once they've taken hold.

I would say that "growth is intentional." A person can only change because they want to. 

Now, here's a mind-stimulating question: what happens when a person isn't aware that they are the problem? Do you throw it in their face with aggression and frustration or approach them with diplomacy, empathy, and kindness? Think on this and let me know in the comment section below.

Additionally, I think you should check out the blogs I love to read listed in the right column. They are worth the read, I assure you and are amazing writers.

XOXO 

Perfectionism — A trauma response.

 Author: Amaka Babundo (Alias: Full-time Baby girl 😌💅) 

Recently, it dawned on me that most of our mental health concerns are related to past traumas. As a result, when I heard someone on a podcast say, "We're all adults facing childhood trauma," it really resonated with me.

Now that I've given it some serious thought, I realize how accurate that remark is, and how true it actually is.

Perfectionism is easily one of the worst traumas affecting many adults around the world today. In the face of it, a person thinks, “well, if it wasn't about doing everything right, I'd have been worried.” But the hard part is, perfectionism doesn't end at just that. It's a whole lot more. Think about doing everything right to the point where you're literally sick and depressed because you missed one mark out of a hundred in an exam? Think about wanting everything to go your way all the time?

See now?

What makes it even much worse is, the trauma that's the root cause of this behavioral anomaly, is usually in some past event which makes solving the issue two times harder. Not only because one might have forgotten which experience exactly but also because it's become an albeit seemingly indelible habit.

I guess that's why they say, “old habits die hard.” Yes, because you've come to recognise it as a norm and it's in the blood and the brain is now used to it.

Although the thoughts of attaining the level where we do just about everything perfectly is alluring to every human, it is equally rather ironic, that our greatest strength lies in embracing our imperfections and in making peace with the very fact that absolute perfection is not within our domain and so, all we can do is only try. 

Perfectionism stems from desiring everything in your life to be perfect but as humans, the only perfect thing in our life is our imperfection.

  

Trauma on the other hand is a disturbing experience and it could be as a result of sexual assault, child abuse, death of a loved one, among other things.

What perfectionism does is to give you the impression that for you to heal in whatever trauma that happened in your past, you have to ensure that everything in your life is perfect. 

There is no problem with this but the fact that your actions are tied to a negative and strong emotional wound from the past provide a tiny opening for an extreme obsession in relation to the quality of your actions. 

 So, you're simply pulling so much emotional baggage from the past, like a heartbreak, which corners you into a corridor where you think and accept the fact that if you, maybe, clean your house a million times a day, then it will be clean, and maybe, that will heal your heart. 

Only problem is that it won’t. Cleaning your house more times over is a temporary distraction to keep you from the actual cause of your emotional hurt. 

“What you need to heal from trauma is to go through it.”

Allow yourself the chance to cry, eat, rewatch the same movies over and over again and pretty much do anything that makes you happy, then remind yourself that there is only one “you” in the world and heartbreaks are only a part of life, not the end of it.

From Clash to Cuddle: Transforming Conflict into Connection with These Relationship-Boosting Tips!

 Note: This will be my longest blog post yet and I apologise in advance. 😅

Hey there, dear reader! You know what they say - relationships can be a rollercoaster ride. One minute you're soaring high with love and affection, and the next minute you're plummeting down with disagreements and conflicts. It's easy to get lost in the ups and downs, but there's a silver lining to those rocky moments.

That's where the art of conflict resolution comes in! It's not about avoiding conflicts altogether (because let's face it, that's impossible). Instead, it's about learning how to handle conflicts in a way that helps us grow and connect with our loved ones. In this post, we're going to explore some of the most effective strategies for resolving conflicts in relationships. We'll cover everything from active listening and effective communication to compromise and forgiveness.

By the end of this post, you'll be equipped with a toolbox of skills to handle conflicts like a pro. So the next time you're in a disagreement with your partner, friend, or family member, you'll know exactly what to do. Let's get started, shall we?

Resolving conflicts in relationships is a big deal. It's not just about fixing the issue at hand, but it's also an opportunity to grow and connect with the person you're fighting with. When you learn how to handle conflicts in a healthy and productive way, you'll build trust, respect, and a stronger bond with your loved one. So don't be afraid to dive in and learn some conflict resolution strategies – your relationships will thank you for it!

DIFFERENT TYPES OF CONFLICTS

Conflicts come in all shapes and sizes, and they can arise from a variety of situations. Some common types of conflicts include:

• Personality conflicts: These occur when two people have incompatible personalities or values, leading to disagreements or tension.

• Power struggles: These conflicts arise when there is a perceived imbalance of power, such as in a boss-employee relationship or between siblings.

• Communication breakdowns: When there is a miscommunication or misunderstanding between two people, it can lead to conflicts.

• External conflicts: These conflicts can arise from external sources, such as financial struggles, health issues, or changes in the environment.

• Emotional conflicts: These conflicts stem from emotions, such as jealousy, anger, or hurt feelings, and can be particularly challenging to resolve.

By understanding the different types of conflicts, you can better identify the root cause of the issue and choose the most effective strategies to resolve it. So, whether you're dealing with a personality clash or a communication breakdown, there are strategies you can use to navigate the conflict and come out stronger on the other side.

CAUSES OF CONFLICTS IN RELATIONSHIPS

Ah, relationships - they're beautiful, messy, and sometimes downright confusing. One minute you're floating on cloud nine, and the next minute you're in the middle of a heated argument. But what causes these conflicts, you ask? Well, there are a few common culprits:

• Misunderstandings: Sometimes, what you say isn't what the other person hears. Misunderstandings can be caused by differences in communication styles, assumptions, or even cultural backgrounds.

• Different expectations: When two people enter a relationship, they bring with them their own set of expectations. These expectations can clash and lead to conflicts when they're not communicated or when they're not met.

• Power imbalances: Relationships aren't always equal in terms of power. When one person feels like they have more power or control than the other, it can lead to conflicts and resentment.

• Personal issues: Everyone has their own personal baggage, whether it's past traumas, insecurities, or bad habits. These personal issues can manifest in conflicts with loved ones.

• Change: Change is inevitable in any relationship. Whether it's a change in circumstances, personalities, or priorities, it can cause conflicts as both parties adjust to the new situation.

Understanding the causes of conflicts in relationships can help you identify potential issues before they escalate into full-blown arguments. By being aware of the common causes of conflicts, you can work together with your loved ones to create a more harmonious and fulfilling relationship.

COMMUNICATION STRATEGIES FOR RESOLVING CONFLICTS 

Communication is key to resolving conflicts in relationships. Here are a few strategies you can use to communicate effectively during conflicts:

• Active listening: This involves fully listening to the other person without interrupting or formulating a response. Show that you understand their perspective by repeating what they said in your own words.

• "I" statements: Instead of using accusatory "you" statements, use "I" statements to express how you feel. For example, say "I feel hurt when you don't listen to me" instead of "You never listen to me."

• Take a time-out: If emotions are running high, take a break to cool down before continuing the conversation. This can prevent the conflict from escalating further.

• Avoid blame and criticism: Instead of blaming or criticizing the other person, focus on the behavior or situation that is causing the conflict. This can help you work together to find a solution.

• Stay respectful: Even in the midst of a conflict, it's important to remain respectful towards the other person. Avoid attacking their character or making hurtful comments.

By using these communication strategies, you can improve the quality of your conversations and find a way to resolve conflicts in a healthy and productive way. Remember, conflicts don't have to end in fights - with the right communication tools, you can turn them into opportunities for growth and connection.

PROBLEM-SOLVING STRATEGIES FOR RESOLVING CONFLICTS

Problem-solving is another effective approach for resolving conflicts in relationships. Here are a few strategies you can use to solve problems together:

• Define the problem: Start by identifying the problem and agreeing on what the issue is. This can help you avoid getting sidetracked during the conversation.

• Brainstorm solutions: Work together to come up with potential solutions to the problem. Encourage creativity and be open to different ideas.

• Evaluate solutions: Once you have a list of potential solutions, evaluate each one and discuss the pros and cons of each option.

• Choose a solution: After evaluating each solution, choose the one that is the most feasible and effective for both parties.

• Make a plan: Once you've chosen a solution, make a plan to implement it. Decide who will do what and set a timeline for when each step will be completed.

By using these problem-solving strategies, you can work together to find a solution that works for both parties. Remember to stay open-minded and collaborative during the process - conflicts can often be resolved through compromise and cooperation.

CONFLICT RESOLUTION THROUGH COMPROMISE 

Compromise is another effective approach for resolving conflicts in relationships. Here are a few strategies you can use to find a compromise:

• Identify the issues: Start by identifying the areas of disagreement and the interests of each party.

• Share your interests: Be open and honest about your needs and interests. This can help you find common ground.

• Brainstorm solutions: Work together to come up with potential solutions that address both parties' interests.

• Evaluate solutions: Once you have a list of potential solutions, evaluate each one and discuss the pros and cons of each option.

• Find a compromise: Choose the solution that meets the most important interests of both parties.

• Implement the compromise: Once you've found a compromise, put it into action and commit to making it work.

Compromise requires both parties to be willing to make concessions and find common ground. It's important to communicate openly and respectfully during the process, and to be open to creative solutions that meet the interests of both parties. Remember, compromise is a valuable tool for resolving conflicts and building stronger relationships.

And lastly we have,

CONFLICT RESOLUTION THROUGH FORGIVENESS

Forgiveness is another effective approach for resolving conflicts in relationships. Here are a few strategies you can use to practice forgiveness:

• Acknowledge the hurt: Start by acknowledging the pain or hurt that has been caused by the conflict.

• Take responsibility: Take responsibility for your own actions and apologize if necessary.

• Let go of resentment: Work on letting go of any resentment or anger towards the other person. This can be a difficult process, but it's an important step towards forgiveness.

• Focus on the positive: Try to focus on the positive aspects of the relationship and the good qualities of the other person.

• Rebuild trust: Work on rebuilding trust by being honest, transparent, and reliable.

Forgiveness requires both parties to be willing to let go of past hurts and move forward. It's important to communicate openly and honestly during the process, and to be patient as trust is rebuilt. Remember, forgiveness is a powerful tool for resolving conflicts and can help to strengthen relationships.

In conclusion, conflicts are inevitable in any relationship, but they don't have to spell the end. By using effective conflict resolution strategies, you can work together to overcome challenges and build stronger relationships. Whether it's through communication, problem-solving, compromise, or forgiveness, the key is to remain open, respectful, and committed to finding a solution that works for both parties. Remember, conflicts can be an opportunity for growth and can ultimately lead to stronger, more fulfilling relationships. So don't be afraid to tackle those tough conversations and work towards a brighter future together. With the right strategies and mindset, anything is possible!

XOXO