"Love and Individuality: A Delicate Balance"

 Author: Odugbemi Darasimi

It could be difficult to love someone and not forget who you are or who you want to be in them. Many times, you could get so invested and committed to loving a person (romantic relationship) that, without conscious and intentional efforts, you are likely to lose who you are. You begin to lose hold of the things that often excited you before they came around. Sometimes, you start to like the things that they like and even hate those things that they hate. Which is fine, it’s the peculiar thing about love. However, the downside to it is when they do leave or when it is time for you to leave. The investments you have made in them and the person you have become in them, as well as the influence they now have on you, could stop you from leaving them or making efforts to pack up and leave. Obviously, I mean when the relationship has now become unhealthy or toxic. It could even be bad to the extent that their opinion about you totally cancels the opinion you have always had about yourself, and I mean not in a good way. You may no longer be confident in who you think you are or who you know yourself to be. You would often seek validation from them, and when you no longer get positive validations, you take on the job of transforming yourself into the person that they would want you to be.

Also, when you begin to have recurring issues, talk about consistently complaining about a certain person who you don’t feel comfortable about the way they relate to your partner, and it becomes frequent that you start questioning whether you are the oversensitive one or the one with the problem. Summarily, when you can count an uncomfortable number of issues to the extent that your mental health is taking a very bad turn.

I’m no relationship expert, but you’d agree with me, or you should at least, that love should and can help you find who you are. When you are with a person that supports you, who drives you to be your best person, who helps you see beyond your weaknesses and shortcomings, someone who just fires you up, they don’t allow you to get lost in their shadow. They give the right amount of support that you need. But this same thing- “Love” can make you, like I said before, get so consumed in loving someone that you can be blind to the seemingly glaring things.

What is the way forward? I don’t know 🤷‍♀️. But what I can say is, no matter how much you love someone and how much they mean to you, you should love yourself more. Take time to weigh all the differences that they have made since they came into your life. Check to see if you are on track with the person you wanted to be before meeting and loving them. Do you still know what you like? Do you have a favorite thing to do that doesn’t revolve around them but still makes you happy? Just do a thorough check-in to see if you still recognize who you have become.

"The Cycle of Stupidity: Why Some Youths Never Grow Out of It"

 As I was scrolling through my WhatsApp timeline, a particular phrase used in a caption by a friend caught my eye. It said: "Stupid youths grow up to be stupid adults."

In my own words, I would say that the term "stupid" in this particular context is not about IQ, but more about lacking common sense, critical thinking, and emotional intelligence — You know...those things that help us navigate life and make good decisions?

Now, let's address a few reasons behind why some youths might end up being "stupid" adults. The environment we grow up in plays a massive role in shaping us. If there is no support or encouragement to develop our critical thinking, education, and emotional intelligence, we're going to struggle as adults.

The choices we make as youths also carry serious consequences. For example, if you're into drugs at a very young age, it can mess up your brain development and make it harder to think straight when you're older. This means that drug abuse can impact the brain’s ability to function in the short term as well as prevent proper growth and development in the long term.

Furthermore, the company we keep can also influence us greatly. If we surround ourselves with people who aren't the sharpest tools in the shed, we're likely to adopt those same traits.

But let's not forget that not every "stupid" youth ends up being a "stupid" adult. Some can overcome their upbringing and make serious positive changes in their lives. However, realistically speaking, habits and behaviors are hard to break once they've taken hold.

I would say that "growth is intentional." A person can only change because they want to. 

Now, here's a mind-stimulating question: what happens when a person isn't aware that they are the problem? Do you throw it in their face with aggression and frustration or approach them with diplomacy, empathy, and kindness? Think on this and let me know in the comment section below.

Additionally, I think you should check out the blogs I love to read listed in the right column. They are worth the read, I assure you and are amazing writers.

XOXO 

Perfectionism — A trauma response.

 Author: Amaka Babundo (Alias: Full-time Baby girl 😌💅) 

Recently, it dawned on me that most of our mental health concerns are related to past traumas. As a result, when I heard someone on a podcast say, "We're all adults facing childhood trauma," it really resonated with me.

Now that I've given it some serious thought, I realize how accurate that remark is, and how true it actually is.

Perfectionism is easily one of the worst traumas affecting many adults around the world today. In the face of it, a person thinks, “well, if it wasn't about doing everything right, I'd have been worried.” But the hard part is, perfectionism doesn't end at just that. It's a whole lot more. Think about doing everything right to the point where you're literally sick and depressed because you missed one mark out of a hundred in an exam? Think about wanting everything to go your way all the time?

See now?

What makes it even much worse is, the trauma that's the root cause of this behavioral anomaly, is usually in some past event which makes solving the issue two times harder. Not only because one might have forgotten which experience exactly but also because it's become an albeit seemingly indelible habit.

I guess that's why they say, “old habits die hard.” Yes, because you've come to recognise it as a norm and it's in the blood and the brain is now used to it.

Although the thoughts of attaining the level where we do just about everything perfectly is alluring to every human, it is equally rather ironic, that our greatest strength lies in embracing our imperfections and in making peace with the very fact that absolute perfection is not within our domain and so, all we can do is only try. 

Perfectionism stems from desiring everything in your life to be perfect but as humans, the only perfect thing in our life is our imperfection.

  

Trauma on the other hand is a disturbing experience and it could be as a result of sexual assault, child abuse, death of a loved one, among other things.

What perfectionism does is to give you the impression that for you to heal in whatever trauma that happened in your past, you have to ensure that everything in your life is perfect. 

There is no problem with this but the fact that your actions are tied to a negative and strong emotional wound from the past provide a tiny opening for an extreme obsession in relation to the quality of your actions. 

 So, you're simply pulling so much emotional baggage from the past, like a heartbreak, which corners you into a corridor where you think and accept the fact that if you, maybe, clean your house a million times a day, then it will be clean, and maybe, that will heal your heart. 

Only problem is that it won’t. Cleaning your house more times over is a temporary distraction to keep you from the actual cause of your emotional hurt. 

“What you need to heal from trauma is to go through it.”

Allow yourself the chance to cry, eat, rewatch the same movies over and over again and pretty much do anything that makes you happy, then remind yourself that there is only one “you” in the world and heartbreaks are only a part of life, not the end of it.

From Clash to Cuddle: Transforming Conflict into Connection with These Relationship-Boosting Tips!

 Note: This will be my longest blog post yet and I apologise in advance. 😅

Hey there, dear reader! You know what they say - relationships can be a rollercoaster ride. One minute you're soaring high with love and affection, and the next minute you're plummeting down with disagreements and conflicts. It's easy to get lost in the ups and downs, but there's a silver lining to those rocky moments.

That's where the art of conflict resolution comes in! It's not about avoiding conflicts altogether (because let's face it, that's impossible). Instead, it's about learning how to handle conflicts in a way that helps us grow and connect with our loved ones. In this post, we're going to explore some of the most effective strategies for resolving conflicts in relationships. We'll cover everything from active listening and effective communication to compromise and forgiveness.

By the end of this post, you'll be equipped with a toolbox of skills to handle conflicts like a pro. So the next time you're in a disagreement with your partner, friend, or family member, you'll know exactly what to do. Let's get started, shall we?

Resolving conflicts in relationships is a big deal. It's not just about fixing the issue at hand, but it's also an opportunity to grow and connect with the person you're fighting with. When you learn how to handle conflicts in a healthy and productive way, you'll build trust, respect, and a stronger bond with your loved one. So don't be afraid to dive in and learn some conflict resolution strategies – your relationships will thank you for it!

DIFFERENT TYPES OF CONFLICTS

Conflicts come in all shapes and sizes, and they can arise from a variety of situations. Some common types of conflicts include:

• Personality conflicts: These occur when two people have incompatible personalities or values, leading to disagreements or tension.

• Power struggles: These conflicts arise when there is a perceived imbalance of power, such as in a boss-employee relationship or between siblings.

• Communication breakdowns: When there is a miscommunication or misunderstanding between two people, it can lead to conflicts.

• External conflicts: These conflicts can arise from external sources, such as financial struggles, health issues, or changes in the environment.

• Emotional conflicts: These conflicts stem from emotions, such as jealousy, anger, or hurt feelings, and can be particularly challenging to resolve.

By understanding the different types of conflicts, you can better identify the root cause of the issue and choose the most effective strategies to resolve it. So, whether you're dealing with a personality clash or a communication breakdown, there are strategies you can use to navigate the conflict and come out stronger on the other side.

CAUSES OF CONFLICTS IN RELATIONSHIPS

Ah, relationships - they're beautiful, messy, and sometimes downright confusing. One minute you're floating on cloud nine, and the next minute you're in the middle of a heated argument. But what causes these conflicts, you ask? Well, there are a few common culprits:

• Misunderstandings: Sometimes, what you say isn't what the other person hears. Misunderstandings can be caused by differences in communication styles, assumptions, or even cultural backgrounds.

• Different expectations: When two people enter a relationship, they bring with them their own set of expectations. These expectations can clash and lead to conflicts when they're not communicated or when they're not met.

• Power imbalances: Relationships aren't always equal in terms of power. When one person feels like they have more power or control than the other, it can lead to conflicts and resentment.

• Personal issues: Everyone has their own personal baggage, whether it's past traumas, insecurities, or bad habits. These personal issues can manifest in conflicts with loved ones.

• Change: Change is inevitable in any relationship. Whether it's a change in circumstances, personalities, or priorities, it can cause conflicts as both parties adjust to the new situation.

Understanding the causes of conflicts in relationships can help you identify potential issues before they escalate into full-blown arguments. By being aware of the common causes of conflicts, you can work together with your loved ones to create a more harmonious and fulfilling relationship.

COMMUNICATION STRATEGIES FOR RESOLVING CONFLICTS 

Communication is key to resolving conflicts in relationships. Here are a few strategies you can use to communicate effectively during conflicts:

• Active listening: This involves fully listening to the other person without interrupting or formulating a response. Show that you understand their perspective by repeating what they said in your own words.

• "I" statements: Instead of using accusatory "you" statements, use "I" statements to express how you feel. For example, say "I feel hurt when you don't listen to me" instead of "You never listen to me."

• Take a time-out: If emotions are running high, take a break to cool down before continuing the conversation. This can prevent the conflict from escalating further.

• Avoid blame and criticism: Instead of blaming or criticizing the other person, focus on the behavior or situation that is causing the conflict. This can help you work together to find a solution.

• Stay respectful: Even in the midst of a conflict, it's important to remain respectful towards the other person. Avoid attacking their character or making hurtful comments.

By using these communication strategies, you can improve the quality of your conversations and find a way to resolve conflicts in a healthy and productive way. Remember, conflicts don't have to end in fights - with the right communication tools, you can turn them into opportunities for growth and connection.

PROBLEM-SOLVING STRATEGIES FOR RESOLVING CONFLICTS

Problem-solving is another effective approach for resolving conflicts in relationships. Here are a few strategies you can use to solve problems together:

• Define the problem: Start by identifying the problem and agreeing on what the issue is. This can help you avoid getting sidetracked during the conversation.

• Brainstorm solutions: Work together to come up with potential solutions to the problem. Encourage creativity and be open to different ideas.

• Evaluate solutions: Once you have a list of potential solutions, evaluate each one and discuss the pros and cons of each option.

• Choose a solution: After evaluating each solution, choose the one that is the most feasible and effective for both parties.

• Make a plan: Once you've chosen a solution, make a plan to implement it. Decide who will do what and set a timeline for when each step will be completed.

By using these problem-solving strategies, you can work together to find a solution that works for both parties. Remember to stay open-minded and collaborative during the process - conflicts can often be resolved through compromise and cooperation.

CONFLICT RESOLUTION THROUGH COMPROMISE 

Compromise is another effective approach for resolving conflicts in relationships. Here are a few strategies you can use to find a compromise:

• Identify the issues: Start by identifying the areas of disagreement and the interests of each party.

• Share your interests: Be open and honest about your needs and interests. This can help you find common ground.

• Brainstorm solutions: Work together to come up with potential solutions that address both parties' interests.

• Evaluate solutions: Once you have a list of potential solutions, evaluate each one and discuss the pros and cons of each option.

• Find a compromise: Choose the solution that meets the most important interests of both parties.

• Implement the compromise: Once you've found a compromise, put it into action and commit to making it work.

Compromise requires both parties to be willing to make concessions and find common ground. It's important to communicate openly and respectfully during the process, and to be open to creative solutions that meet the interests of both parties. Remember, compromise is a valuable tool for resolving conflicts and building stronger relationships.

And lastly we have,

CONFLICT RESOLUTION THROUGH FORGIVENESS

Forgiveness is another effective approach for resolving conflicts in relationships. Here are a few strategies you can use to practice forgiveness:

• Acknowledge the hurt: Start by acknowledging the pain or hurt that has been caused by the conflict.

• Take responsibility: Take responsibility for your own actions and apologize if necessary.

• Let go of resentment: Work on letting go of any resentment or anger towards the other person. This can be a difficult process, but it's an important step towards forgiveness.

• Focus on the positive: Try to focus on the positive aspects of the relationship and the good qualities of the other person.

• Rebuild trust: Work on rebuilding trust by being honest, transparent, and reliable.

Forgiveness requires both parties to be willing to let go of past hurts and move forward. It's important to communicate openly and honestly during the process, and to be patient as trust is rebuilt. Remember, forgiveness is a powerful tool for resolving conflicts and can help to strengthen relationships.

In conclusion, conflicts are inevitable in any relationship, but they don't have to spell the end. By using effective conflict resolution strategies, you can work together to overcome challenges and build stronger relationships. Whether it's through communication, problem-solving, compromise, or forgiveness, the key is to remain open, respectful, and committed to finding a solution that works for both parties. Remember, conflicts can be an opportunity for growth and can ultimately lead to stronger, more fulfilling relationships. So don't be afraid to tackle those tough conversations and work towards a brighter future together. With the right strategies and mindset, anything is possible!

XOXO