Adulting Can Be Rosy Too.

My boyfriend says I spend too much time thinking about others instead of putting myself first. I daresay, he is not wrong. I guess I have always been used to thinking of others before myself, putting their needs before my own. Even if the little energy left should go to resting, I end up giving it away. I guess you could call it my bad habit.

I feel things more deeply than most people, and it affects my relationships. I start to feel their despair, their ambitions, and their happiness ten times more intensely than they do. I start to formulate plans on their behalf and strain myself to go the extra mile, even if I am not feeling up to it.

In all honesty, I never saw anything wrong with it until I realized that my mental health had deteriorated, and I was a walking apocalypse.

The littlest remark would set me off, and I’d either lash out or eventually pass out from crying so hard.

I am not perfect. I know this now.

I shouldn’t expect people to care as deeply as I do, and I shouldn’t expect to receive care the way I give it.

Sometimes I think my bad habit stems from how I was raised, but I won’t blame it on that. I definitely got used to believing that I had to earn love, which is why I find it hard to believe when people say they like me for me. I mean, what’s so special about me, right?

I’m not your typical beauty, and I’m not so agreeable. I have my own thoughts and strong opinions, and I’m as stubborn as an eel.

Hence my weariness.

I say words of affirmation are my primary love language, but I think that actions mean more to me.

I register actions first before I listen to the words.

Because people can lie while smiling, but their actions are never wrong.

It took me so many years to figure that out.

So maybe I am now truly learning what it means to be an adult, among other things.

The biggest realization that hit me recently is that while making money, building the right network, and always bringing value to the table are necessary, taking breaks and allowing myself to live are equally important and essential.

Real love is golden, and all the money in the world can’t buy that. I need to allow myself to be loved, I need to love myself too, and I sure as hell need to create boundaries and distance myself from people who only want to take advantage of my kindness.

So while I’m chasing the stars and making sure my community is growing, I need to also take care of little Dee. She needs me too.

XOXO

HEALTHY

 It’s been a minute, my friends. And while we’re in the third month of the year, a lot has happened within such a short time. However, I’m not here to whine. To be honest, these days, I’ve lacked the motivation to write and my thoughts have been cloudy. So, know that “it’s not you, it’s me,” as I usually say. I have a question to ask: Have you ever felt like whatever you do will never be enough? You’re never going to be beautiful or smart enough, you’re never going to have the perfect manners or figure. If you have ever felt like that, I think we have something in common—

at least, Once upon a time.

A friend gave me one of the most out-of-the-box compliments while we were on a picnic towards the end of 2023. "What is this compliment?" you're probably wondering. It was, "You look healthy." I didn’t think much of it back then, but now that I think about it, it really means a lot.

I have been through it, at the hands of people.

To be honest, over the past year, I’ve moved from a size 6 to a size 10. My waistline has evolved from a 26 to a 30/31, and my cheeks are alive and plump. Funnily enough, looking into the mirror, I feel awesome and good about my appearance. I feel like I finally started living. I wish that were the case with others.

Sighs…As usual, human beings will criticize what doesn’t conform to what they know. Sadly, over the past months, as comfortable as I’ve become in my new skin, it doesn’t seem to sit well with others.

“You’re fat now, o!” they say. I chuckle inwardly. Maybe because it’s the same persons who complained and whined about how I moved from a size 10 to a size 6 about 2 years ago. “Deolu, you’re so skinny, are you okay?” No, I really wasn’t. My head wasn’t right. Vipers that I called friends were after my blood, and they made it dinner. A feast!

I’ve always been more of a giver than a taker. I gave until I ended up in the hospital. Skinny, sick, thinking I’d die. Die, I did not. But learn, I did.

Then and there, I realized that I had given the first 20 years of my life in service and I needed to make a much-needed retirement. It’s not like the people who expended so much energy appreciated it much. But I won’t die without living for myself. I refuse to.

Making that vow to myself, I am where I am now. I look healthy, that is because I feel healthy, my love. Thank you for the compliment. I’ve realized that I can choose the comments I want to listen to and I choose to listen and reply to the good ones. It really helped cement my appreciation for my new self, and I’ll give myself a new life to match.

If you stayed with me this long, spell out what you learnt in the comment section. I’ll be watching. Till next time, beautiful people. 

XOXO,

Dee

I Miss the Comfort of Being Sad

It's another go-around the sun for this blog, and I still can't believe it, guys. But it's safe to say that while I've been given another year to write to you, my dear loyal readers, I will always come here with a mind-stimulating article. Let's dig in, shall we?

Today, I want to explore a topic that has been on my mind lately—a subject that demands our attention and understanding: the addictiveness of depression. It's strange how our emotions can sometimes become a familiar sanctuary, even when they seem counterintuitive. This idea was prompted by three separate encounters—a touching post I read on Instagram, an article written by a friend, and my personal experiences. These encounters served as a catalyst for this contemplative journey, and I felt the need to delve deeper into this mysterious aspect of life.

Interestingly, the Instagram post portrayed a young man battling with the shadows of depression, and as I read the post, I couldn't help but relate to the allure of that darkness. There's an odd comfort in sinking into despair—a sense of control amidst chaos. For some, depression becomes an old friend—a space where emotions intertwine, finding solace in its embrace. It almost feels like donning a familiar, tattered coat—a coat that shields us from the world's expectations and pressures.

But what if depression becomes more than just a visitor? What if it starts to linger, seeping into every aspect of our lives until we find ourselves entangled in its snare? It's not a conscious decision to become addicted to sorrow, but as we linger in its clutches, we may start to lose sight of who we once were.

To be honest, after reading about her experience, I began to understand some of my mannerisms as well. I'd clamor, work for, and look forward to something, and when it finally does happen, I'd shrug it off like it didn't mean anything at all. Of course, internally, I was sure I wanted to display nothing short of joy, but I just couldn't bring myself to. On some other occasion, I'd try to hold onto a toxic view that the world was better without me in it and I didn't choose to be born. Why? I ask myself. I have life good, I have a family that adores me, I have love in abundance, I have intelligence and almost everything working for me, but why do I still cling to feeling continuously like crap when my life isn't?

This eye-opening revelation highlights the delicate balance between sorrow and happiness. When depression takes root, it can become a comfort zone, perpetuating a cycle of negativity that seems almost impossible to break. As strange as it may sound, depression can be addictive, tempting us to dwell in its clutches rather than seeking the light beyond the shadows.

The question then arises, how do we overcome this addictive despair? The journey to break free is complex, and it starts with acknowledging the presence of depression in our lives. We must recognize that it's okay to seek help and support, just as we would during any other addiction. Opening up about our struggles is not a sign of weakness but rather a display of strength—a step towards reclaiming our lives.

Moreover, we need to be mindful of the stories we tell ourselves. Instead of allowing depression to define us, let's remember that we are more than our sorrows. Each one of us is a tapestry of experiences, both good and bad, and we shouldn't let the dark threads overshadow the vibrant colors that weave our lives together.

Seeking professional help, talking to loved ones, and engaging in activities that bring joy are essential steps in overcoming the grip of addictive depression.

And just like the passing of another year for this blog, life too keeps moving forward, and with it, our understanding of ourselves and the world around us evolves. Until we meet again, my dear readers, take care, and let's continue to grow and learn together.

XOXO

Perfectionism — A trauma response.

 Author: Amaka Babundo (Alias: Full-time Baby girl 😌💅) 

Recently, it dawned on me that most of our mental health concerns are related to past traumas. As a result, when I heard someone on a podcast say, "We're all adults facing childhood trauma," it really resonated with me.

Now that I've given it some serious thought, I realize how accurate that remark is, and how true it actually is.

Perfectionism is easily one of the worst traumas affecting many adults around the world today. In the face of it, a person thinks, “well, if it wasn't about doing everything right, I'd have been worried.” But the hard part is, perfectionism doesn't end at just that. It's a whole lot more. Think about doing everything right to the point where you're literally sick and depressed because you missed one mark out of a hundred in an exam? Think about wanting everything to go your way all the time?

See now?

What makes it even much worse is, the trauma that's the root cause of this behavioral anomaly, is usually in some past event which makes solving the issue two times harder. Not only because one might have forgotten which experience exactly but also because it's become an albeit seemingly indelible habit.

I guess that's why they say, “old habits die hard.” Yes, because you've come to recognise it as a norm and it's in the blood and the brain is now used to it.

Although the thoughts of attaining the level where we do just about everything perfectly is alluring to every human, it is equally rather ironic, that our greatest strength lies in embracing our imperfections and in making peace with the very fact that absolute perfection is not within our domain and so, all we can do is only try. 

Perfectionism stems from desiring everything in your life to be perfect but as humans, the only perfect thing in our life is our imperfection.

  

Trauma on the other hand is a disturbing experience and it could be as a result of sexual assault, child abuse, death of a loved one, among other things.

What perfectionism does is to give you the impression that for you to heal in whatever trauma that happened in your past, you have to ensure that everything in your life is perfect. 

There is no problem with this but the fact that your actions are tied to a negative and strong emotional wound from the past provide a tiny opening for an extreme obsession in relation to the quality of your actions. 

 So, you're simply pulling so much emotional baggage from the past, like a heartbreak, which corners you into a corridor where you think and accept the fact that if you, maybe, clean your house a million times a day, then it will be clean, and maybe, that will heal your heart. 

Only problem is that it won’t. Cleaning your house more times over is a temporary distraction to keep you from the actual cause of your emotional hurt. 

“What you need to heal from trauma is to go through it.”

Allow yourself the chance to cry, eat, rewatch the same movies over and over again and pretty much do anything that makes you happy, then remind yourself that there is only one “you” in the world and heartbreaks are only a part of life, not the end of it.

Heartbreak Kills.

I often wish that I had met the people in my life right now, before the people that were previously in it. And if I had met them first, would I have given them the same opportunities I gave the people who were in it in the past? Would they hurt me as I have been hurt, or would they be as they are now? As I've come to know them to be. I really don't know and I can't state otherwise, but as I write to you, my dear readers, at 12 midnight, I can't help but to keep reflecting and pondering over the past; the better decisions I should have made, the things I should have said and refused. It's out of my hands, I know, but it really isn't in my nature to go easy on myself. I am responsible for my life and my choices. I'm responsible for its effect on me as well. 

While I'm still in the process of learning to move on and forgiving myself, I have also come to terms with the fact that in order to live a life one doesn't end up regretting, we are responsible for the people we let into our lives, the people we give access, the people we allow to exercise some control over us, based on how vulnerable we become with them. They have the power to make and destroy us. 

Although, it has not received a proper diagnosis, but indeed, I believe heartbreak kills. It distablizes a person. You can't function, you can't think, and then it feels like your heart literally got ripped out of your chest. The depression, the sadness, the grief and many more. I know it very well, because I've been there. Heck, I went from being an innocent girl without a single flawed view about the world to a woman that sees gray areas in every situation that presents itself and isn't such a huge fan of  "people." Now, I'm in no way urging us not to love or let people in, I'm just stating the need to be more careful with whomever we choose to let in when it comes to our various relationships or friendships. The trauma that comes with not making the best decisions isn't worth the heartache, trust me.

Unfortunately, I can't time travel to change the past, but I'm forging a new life and a new stance. I've buried the past finally and severed the last of the threads that hopefully won't re knot themselves. Ofcourse, the scars from those wounds are evident in my present life but so far, letting go has been like the balm the doctor prescribed. 

XOXO 

BDD

Taking over from Tolu Ijaoba on the subject of body shaming. 

I believe that there is a need to shed some light on what exactly BDD entails.

So what is BDD?

BDD is an acronym for Body Dysmorphic Disorder. It is a mental health condition in which a person is unable to stop thinking about their perceived flaws or defects.

It makes one extremely anxious and ashamed of their appearance, which convinces them of the need to always look for ways to repair their perceived flaws; which in most cases could be plastic surgery and other cosmetic based operations.

Signs and symptoms of BDD

How do you know if you have BDD? The signs and symptoms may include:

1. Having a strong and passionate belief that something is wrong with how you look, i.e a general discontentment with your appearance.
2. When you believe others see you the way you see yourself and that is what causes them to mock and say a lot of negative things about you.
3. Attempting to find ways to correct a 'defect.'
4. Always needing reassurance on your appearance.
Etcetera.

This might not look like a big deal to you, but that's where you're wrong. BDD can cause some certain complications. I'll list a few. They are:

1. Low self-esteem.
2. Depression.
3. Social anxiety disorder.
4. Eating disorders.
5. Risk of disfigurement— due to various body alterations.
6. Drug Abuse.

Treatment

There is no specific treatment for this particular disorder,  but I think the best mode of treatment will be opting in for; Behavioural therapy, Psychotherapy and Cognitive behavioural therapy.

Thank you for sticking around till the end.                  

XOXO

BODY SHAMING —How it forms an unhealthy mind.

What is body shaming?

Body shaming is an act of making critical comments about a person's body shape or size.

It is disheartening to see that body shaming has become a norm in the society. Whether you're fat or thin, tall or short, you still get body shamed. This has mentally affected so many people because they think they don't fit into the society's standard of 'Beautiful.'
  
Unfortunately, this has led the people at the receiving end of it into depression, lack of self-confidence and self-esteem, and the need to seek external validation.

There was a time when I was mocked for being thin, and I began to stuff my face with food because I wanted to put on some weight. This only made me suffer, especially, from terrible and painful cramps every month, and it almost led to being diagnosed with diabetes.

Who are the body shamers?

The first person that is guilty of that is YOU! Let me enlighten you.

Oftentimes, we are our own worst critiques without even realizing it. It could start when you are flicking through magazines, or scrolling through the pages of your favourite celebrities, and admiring pictures of people you presume 'gorgeous' wanting to be the same because you believe that they are better. You start to self-loathe, and mutter to yourself on how much you wish you were formed differently.

This can escalate into body dysmorphic disorder (BDD), where you become obsessed with a perceived appearance flaw that can create repeated avoidance behaviors.

And by doing that, you allow others to mock, and turn up their nose at you. For no one can make you feel what you don't allow them to.

Parents and siblings also body shame. It can be in form of jokes they deem harmless or by comparing you with other people. It is pertinent to note that most parents are ignorant to the fact that they body shame their children.

Friends, class mates and acquaintances also body shame.

The media is also a huge contributor in enabling a false fixation on how a perfect person should appear.


How to overcome body shaming.

" When you judge a woman by her appearance, it doesn't define her, it defines you" –Steve Maraboli

This should be your motto if you suffer from anxiety as a result of being body shamed. The shape or size of your body doesn't define or make you. It is what sets you apart and makes you unique.

Learn to love and accept your body.

Be positive and speak only 

kind words to yourself.

Stay away from people who can't help but to body shame.

Surround yourself with people who will respect and treat you well.

Reduce your screen time. If what you see on social media contributes to your depression, then it is in your best interest to reduce how much time you spend scrolling through social media applications, and find other productive things to do with your time.


Hello there.😊
I'm Tolulope Ijaoba, a new writer for this blog and this is my first article. I love to write and read. I'll be taking up residence at the Humanity, Mental Health and Inspirational columns. Looking forward to growing and connecting with you all.

       Au revoir.😘🤗

What makes a bully?

I've always hated bullies. And for me, it's personal. For many of you who might know me closely enough, you will understand why. 

Growing up, I had to endure constant bullying. Body-shamed for how fat I looked, then ridiculed for getting too skinny. Imagine asking a teenager if 'she has an eating disorder.' 

Shocking, isn't it? 

You would think living among other black people like you should be easy until you begin to hear stuff like 'You're just too dark', 'You look burnt', 'No one will find you attractive' 'You're ugly'. 

Haha… We tend to discriminate more against our own kind.

Well, I'm not here to go on and on about my adventures with 'my friends on the other side.' Maybe I'll rant and take it out on this space on a different day. But for today, my question is: What makes a bully? 

Why do people feel the need to bully? People say it's jealousy, that they are envious of how good and awesome you are or might turn out to be. And that makes them bitter. 

So the only way they can live with their shortcomings in life is to try to unleash some sort of verbal or physical violence and look down on you like they are God. (And God doesn't even do that. Lol). 

News flash, they aren't. They're not perfect, and the level of insecurities they possess is out of this world. It's a wonder why they can't just be civil. 

Moving on, I'd love to see your feedback on what makes a bully in the comment section below.😊

AND

If you resonate with this writeup, please share. Thank you for reading.

                            XOXO 

Living up to the blue print.

 Sighs... I haven't written in weeks. It's probably not up to three weeks, but it feels eternal. 

Now, originally, I'm a poet. I write poems for the fun of it. I write because it's therapeutic. But lately, I see that I've lost my way. Lost myself in this mess that we call life. And I wonder each day how to keep on breathing, moving and working like the perfect picture I paint. 

Do you ever just feel like a fraud?—That you do not deserve everything you've built? 

I rarely feel comfortable in my own skin. And what's worse? This feeling keeps increasing more and more as I climb my way up to the top. It's a constant struggle between hate and love in my head. I myself can't fathom the reason behind this looming self-dissatisfaction. 

Could it be depression? I ask myself again and again. Why am I afraid of success? Is this a case of trauma? Or is it normal?

Ever felt this way?

 

XOXO