HEALTHY

 It’s been a minute, my friends. And while we’re in the third month of the year, a lot has happened within such a short time. However, I’m not here to whine. To be honest, these days, I’ve lacked the motivation to write and my thoughts have been cloudy. So, know that “it’s not you, it’s me,” as I usually say. I have a question to ask: Have you ever felt like whatever you do will never be enough? You’re never going to be beautiful or smart enough, you’re never going to have the perfect manners or figure. If you have ever felt like that, I think we have something in common—

at least, Once upon a time.

A friend gave me one of the most out-of-the-box compliments while we were on a picnic towards the end of 2023. "What is this compliment?" you're probably wondering. It was, "You look healthy." I didn’t think much of it back then, but now that I think about it, it really means a lot.

I have been through it, at the hands of people.

To be honest, over the past year, I’ve moved from a size 6 to a size 10. My waistline has evolved from a 26 to a 30/31, and my cheeks are alive and plump. Funnily enough, looking into the mirror, I feel awesome and good about my appearance. I feel like I finally started living. I wish that were the case with others.

Sighs…As usual, human beings will criticize what doesn’t conform to what they know. Sadly, over the past months, as comfortable as I’ve become in my new skin, it doesn’t seem to sit well with others.

“You’re fat now, o!” they say. I chuckle inwardly. Maybe because it’s the same persons who complained and whined about how I moved from a size 10 to a size 6 about 2 years ago. “Deolu, you’re so skinny, are you okay?” No, I really wasn’t. My head wasn’t right. Vipers that I called friends were after my blood, and they made it dinner. A feast!

I’ve always been more of a giver than a taker. I gave until I ended up in the hospital. Skinny, sick, thinking I’d die. Die, I did not. But learn, I did.

Then and there, I realized that I had given the first 20 years of my life in service and I needed to make a much-needed retirement. It’s not like the people who expended so much energy appreciated it much. But I won’t die without living for myself. I refuse to.

Making that vow to myself, I am where I am now. I look healthy, that is because I feel healthy, my love. Thank you for the compliment. I’ve realized that I can choose the comments I want to listen to and I choose to listen and reply to the good ones. It really helped cement my appreciation for my new self, and I’ll give myself a new life to match.

If you stayed with me this long, spell out what you learnt in the comment section. I’ll be watching. Till next time, beautiful people. 

XOXO,

Dee

It's Not You, It's Me🥺

Whew! It’s the tenth month of the year. Are you kidding me? Long time no blog post. Did you miss me? For me, I missed you all. I thought about so many things and so many ways I should write to you, but I always let something else get in the way. And now we are here, two months and days from my last blog post and me losing my blog streak. LOL, if that’s a thing. Anyways, there has been a lot and so much to catch up on, but to summarize it all, I'd say that this has been a really transformative year for me. A lot has changed, internally and externally. I must say that it has been so scary for me too. And with how everything has been coming at me, I like to look back when I get the chance to reflect.

Do you ever not like change? I mean, have you ever found yourself being so anxious and weary of what change could do and bring? Have you found comfort in your routine, not looking to upscale, but at the same time wishing to, but you would rather not because you are not sure you want or need the change? Well, this is not to say that I don’t like change, but I remember having a conversation about this particular concept with a work colleague of mine a few weeks ago. She asked why I'm still friends with certain people when I know they aren’t friends in the real sense. I made an unconscious response to that question with, “because I'm familiar with their attitude and I know what to expect and what not to.” And then she instantly psychoanalyzed me and told me she thinks I have a control problem. Then I thought about it really. Actually, I do have a problem. My need to control things just comes in the most unusual ways, just like I have written above. I remain in certain situations just because I don’t want to change things and I can control what it is I already know the likely outcome of. Of course, I do take risks, once in a while, but the chances of that happening between 0-5 are quite slim.

A lot has indeed changed, and a lot has changed me. Do I find them to be scary sometimes? 100%, but then again, such is life. The trick to it is to grab it by its horns and navigate it towards the best suitable path to tread on. And so this is plain Dee writing to you all after a long hiatus, telling you that change can be good when you let it. Fear is your biggest enemy, and like I always say, “you never really know what you are made of or can achieve if you never put yourself out there.” Be bold, and trust in your abilities.

By the way, I don’t think I've mentioned it on here that I recently published a poetry chapbook, and it is available in both ebook and paperback formats. To purchase a copy, click on the link in my widgets section which says, “I'm an author, buy my book.” My poetry chapbook gives a little insight into how much your girl has grown, and I'm so happy that I finally mustered up the courage to finish it and publish it. When you do read it, please leave a review; I love to receive feedback. I have another book which is a short story, and I'm sure you will get the whole idea of it once you click on the link you really need to.

Signing off, do not be sad, guys; this was just a quick pop in, as real life has me on a chokehold for now. I'm pretty sad that I haven’t been writing as much as I should be recently. However, I'm not totally off; I'll still write to you, but I write on various other mediums as well. Look me up on Instagram, X (Formely Twitter), Threads, LinkedIn, etc. Let us connect. I go by the name Agnes Dairo on most of these apps. I really do hope to see your connection requests. Do have a wonderful week ahead. And to the Nigerians reading this, I am wishing you a happy independence.

       XOXO 

UNPLUGGED

I was watching a Korean thriller a few days ago and in the movie, the guy had installed spyware into his victim's phone and was watching her every move through the spyware. He was literally spying on her, listening in on her conversations, watching her, had access to her social media etcetera. This guy had her in the palm of his hands just because he could get into her phone, and when I deeply think about it, it makes me want to toss my phone and never own one ever again.

Lmao, but that isn't possible. While I don't dispute that these tiny computers have somewhat become so important to us and are very essential in living, especially in the world of today, I've wondered if people can actually live without their phones for even a day or two without going completely nuts.

I say this because I remember a day when Instagram, Facebook, WhatsApp - the Meta world in general, had a problem and we couldn't access our social media for the entire day. Luckily for me, I was so busy offline, and after I came home that day, I wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed, eat my dinner, watch a movie, and maybe then drift off to sleep. Sleep I did not, as I settled into watching Squid games, which had 1-hour long episodes, and I couldn't stop myself from watching until the end. Totally engrossed in my series, I completely forgot about social media and the outside world in general. It was not until I thought to check my messages the next day that I started to realize what had gone down the other day. I came online to meet rants, lamentations, and I couldn’t relate because, matter of factly, I didn't see how a whole day without social media was such a bad thing.

Sometimes I spontaneously turn off my phone just to be disconnected from technology for the whole day. I want no contact with the outside world, and I want nobody contacting me as well. Although going off like that can cause people who care about me a lot to worry, and that is why I don't do it so much. But on a few days, I like to drift away from the world that is the internet into my own world, the world that people forget to live in.

I like to take long walks at night, with the cool breeze blowing, touching my skin and hair. I like to admire nature: the trees, flowers, sunsets, and animals. I like to gaze at the stars and wonder why the moon is so bright at night. I bask in the solitude that just living in the world allows me to enjoy the simple things that make Earth, Earth. I like to know people and not what they post on social media. I'd like to know them, really.

In essence, I think we've all become so accustomed to the world online that we forget about the real world—the world we live in and I think it leaves a gap in a person. I mean, when you find fulfillment only in the things the world online gives you and can't do the same offline, it leaves a type of void that you might never know how to crawl out from. So why not start small? Take a day or two off and see what happens.

Hey look over here — If you've been enjoying my blog, abeg support your girl by subscribing via email and sharing my links. Also, in my previous post I asked readers to drop topics they would be interested in reading. Anyhoo, you'll be seeing me soon, I've got something cooked up. 😉 

 XOXO 

Hello November. ✌️

This isn't fair to my insta page, why? I'll let you know in a bit. Happy new month readers! We're now in the second to the last month of the year, 2022 and as a passing question, in one sentence how would you say year 2022 has been for you? I'll love to see responses to this question in the comment section below, so feel free to do just that.

Normally, at the end of every month, I make it an obligation to recap, reflect on and process all that I've been through in that particular month. It's not something I grew up with, it is self-taught and has actually helped in keeping track of my journeying on the route to becoming a better person (a better version of myself). After reflecting, I take to my notes and write whatever it is I have pondered and learnt down. It doesn't just stop there, but I make it my business to post it up on my insta page. Not that it's anyone's business, and ofcourse no one asked it of me, but I like to think it helps and in a way, it is my little contribution in guiding people towards a lighter and less toxic path.

So we are in a new month and surprisingly, I have no monthly lessons written down somewhere waiting. I have nothing to reflect on, and I'm as blank as my bank account happens to be right now. 😅 no, my SAPA state is not the cause of my blankness. You see, I've found a place of healing within myself. A place I didn't even know existed. 

And that on days when I'm not lazying about; day dreaming, I'm in that space, and as calm and content as ever.

XOXO

Start your own race.

 I think life has gotten me to a point where I no longer feel the need to just be placid because it's expected of me. 

I've grown past the timid little girl who's always wondering how or when she's going to get her shot to run things. 

I have decided to make my own way even if it's not handed to me. And yes, maybe how I intend to do that is by writing my ass off on most days.

At least I make the effort to get up to do 'something'. And I'm not just speaking it into existence like it's some sort of spell that will create something out of nothing. 

I may probably not have what it takes, but I want to believe that I do. I want to affirm that I'm a special one and I can take myself there if I have the mind to do it. 

I made a tweet a few weeks ago about how we are all locked in cages that we've built. Now, don't get me wrong. The 'cage' here isn't necessarily one with physical iron bars. The cage might be a mental one in most cases. 

Well, oftentimes our perception of where we ought to be and what we can achieve depends on how we perceive it.

How do you think multi millionaires or billionaires made it to the top? 

Do you ever wonder if they probably wanted to stop and turn back at one point? Do you ever wonder if they were plagued with a series of self-doubts? Do you not know that we all possess collective similarities? Whatever it is that you've thought and felt, a million others have. But it takes just one step—just one nudge in the right direction to light up that zeal to want to succeed. 

So why not take it for yourself instead of waiting for what might never appear? Every other person is busy with running their individual races. You should, too.

Step out of the cage you've made for yourself. In other words, unbound your self-limiting habits. You are good enough. You can do this.

XOXO

Black, White and Everything in Between.

Most people hold the belief that the world is black and white. I used to hold the same sentiment until I started to hold people I thought stood at the white side—that is the good side—to a standard that is “impossible” for a mere human. 

Life is not black or white. You may be wondering how so? Chill and let me explain. Life, from my point of view, is white with black spots. Or white with a splash of black. Or black with white dots. Just white and black basically weaving into each other. 

All my life I was made to believe that white signifies purity, good, perfection, cleanliness and everything good. And black is just the bad guy. But in my adulting years, I have learnt that people are generally not either white or black, but they can be both. 

By this, I mean they can be white with a side of black, or black with a little white. It simply means that a person who is believed to be good and perfect is very much capable of having a bad, sad, dirty side, hence the saying that good people can do bad things. The fact that good people can do bad things does not really mean they are bad people. It only means they are human. 

I leave you with the name of a play adaptation by Williams Shakespeare: All's well that ends well.

Hola personas, my name is Amaka Babundo, I am a full time baby girl moonlighting as a law student. Oh! I write sometimes.

BODY SHAMING —How it forms an unhealthy mind.

What is body shaming?

Body shaming is an act of making critical comments about a person's body shape or size.

It is disheartening to see that body shaming has become a norm in the society. Whether you're fat or thin, tall or short, you still get body shamed. This has mentally affected so many people because they think they don't fit into the society's standard of 'Beautiful.'
  
Unfortunately, this has led the people at the receiving end of it into depression, lack of self-confidence and self-esteem, and the need to seek external validation.

There was a time when I was mocked for being thin, and I began to stuff my face with food because I wanted to put on some weight. This only made me suffer, especially, from terrible and painful cramps every month, and it almost led to being diagnosed with diabetes.

Who are the body shamers?

The first person that is guilty of that is YOU! Let me enlighten you.

Oftentimes, we are our own worst critiques without even realizing it. It could start when you are flicking through magazines, or scrolling through the pages of your favourite celebrities, and admiring pictures of people you presume 'gorgeous' wanting to be the same because you believe that they are better. You start to self-loathe, and mutter to yourself on how much you wish you were formed differently.

This can escalate into body dysmorphic disorder (BDD), where you become obsessed with a perceived appearance flaw that can create repeated avoidance behaviors.

And by doing that, you allow others to mock, and turn up their nose at you. For no one can make you feel what you don't allow them to.

Parents and siblings also body shame. It can be in form of jokes they deem harmless or by comparing you with other people. It is pertinent to note that most parents are ignorant to the fact that they body shame their children.

Friends, class mates and acquaintances also body shame.

The media is also a huge contributor in enabling a false fixation on how a perfect person should appear.


How to overcome body shaming.

" When you judge a woman by her appearance, it doesn't define her, it defines you" –Steve Maraboli

This should be your motto if you suffer from anxiety as a result of being body shamed. The shape or size of your body doesn't define or make you. It is what sets you apart and makes you unique.

Learn to love and accept your body.

Be positive and speak only 

kind words to yourself.

Stay away from people who can't help but to body shame.

Surround yourself with people who will respect and treat you well.

Reduce your screen time. If what you see on social media contributes to your depression, then it is in your best interest to reduce how much time you spend scrolling through social media applications, and find other productive things to do with your time.


Hello there.😊
I'm Tolulope Ijaoba, a new writer for this blog and this is my first article. I love to write and read. I'll be taking up residence at the Humanity, Mental Health and Inspirational columns. Looking forward to growing and connecting with you all.

       Au revoir.😘🤗

Rebounding.

 Hello guys. 👋

It's been a while. I know that's an understatement as my last post was back in 2016. And this is—what is it again? Four years? Five to six years? Well, I really don't want to dive into the reason behind my absence...But! Here are a few things to keep you up-to-date: I didn't crash. I made it through high school. Boom! I made it into college; I'm three years in. And it's been a roller coaster of emotions. And in the shadows of COVID which halted the whole universe, life has been all about trying to go back to what life ought to have been and can be. I'm still trying to figure out how to make my place in the world, but I know that I'll get there. All I need is to 'hang in there'.

Here comes the big-but-not-so-exciting news: I lost my mum. And I never disclosed this in my other pieces, but I lost my dad when I was two. So the only parent I had ever known was my mum. She was father, mother, teacher and best friend, and that loss was the very definition of what we call world-changing. Luckily, I had my family to get me by. I still do, though. Much love from me to members of my family reading this!❤ 

And to others who can relate, I don't know if you ever felt like this since we all experience grief differently, but losing her felt like a wake-up call. I needed to grow up, but there was no one to nurture my emergence into adulthood, ensuring I made it there with important lessons except for me. I miss my mother every day. I do not get to have lazy long talks about simply nothing anymore. There's no one willing to listen to nothing just for the fun of it. 

    

It's been four years since her death, and I still get bits of depression just thinking about her. Truth is, I did move on. Not completely, but I did. I have a new life—one that isn't as magical, but still sparkles. Many times when I pass by strangers, and they're like “How're your mum and dad?” I smile and say, “They are fine.” It is what they are, fine people. 

Recently, an old lady asked this same question. I was going to smile my usual wistful smile and say, "They are fine." But I hung, turned, looked at her, wondering in those measly seconds why everyone assumes that we all have parents. Why do they think all families are structured the conventional way? If anything, at that moment I wished the old lady had never asked. And if she was as concerned as she seemed, then she could have just said, "How's the family?" And just maybe I wouldn't have turned cold and continued with the facade that had become my reality. Just maybe.

However, pushing aside my initial hurt, I looked into the woman's eyes, which were glowing and expectant by the way, and wondered why she shouldn't think all was well. Why should she have to predict that my family was out of the ordinary? Wouldn't that mean we all should start to expect sadness all around? Then I responded slowly and walked away.

 

Now that I think about it, I realize that we all have strong emotional burdens on all of our backs that we carry. Who knows if we're all pretending to be fine? And why not? Why can't we pretend? Why can't we be happy? If we allow ourselves, we would see that there's so much more out there that we should be thankful and grateful for. A lot of things we're failing to see that's worth being excited about. And why? We are so caught up in our grief and the struggles that keep coming at us and we forget to experience the other good things we already have. Let's learn to be happy with ourselves and not be the thorn in our own hides. 

                                   

                 XOXO

CHAPTERS

Every life has a chapter as well as novels, scripts for plays, even children story books. Well it is a known fact that most people do not enjoy the first chapter of a book, but as you read on, you'll take a liking to the book. The birth of a new child is like a first chapter, it is their first child and the parents do not really know what to expect. They are inexperienced, scared as well as excited and anxious. Those are moments that we capture and keep with us every step of the way.

My dear readers, live in those moments and don't ever give up on something just because things do not work out. Take every chapter, read it, study it, and memorize it even when bad things happen. There are chapters in books filled with pages where sorrowful things happen. You will discover that these moments in your lives are the real deal. Sorrowful things do happen, but do not give up. Pick yourself up, dry up your tears and do not let pain rule you. Look into yourself, take a hold on yourself, take a big step and end your pain because there is still a long road ahead. Then when you're done, you can smile and walk away.

These chapters are your lives. You document them without knowing it. life is a lot of things and what matters is how you take it. My advice to you is to make the most of it. Live these chapters to the fullest and if your story was brief, horrible, and sad, let the last chapter be a memorable one.

WHAT MAKES YOU A WOMAN?

What makes you human? What makes you a girl or a woman? 

 I have observed that so many people think being a woman is all about being silent and submissive without having the necessary dignity. They think that women are weaklings and naive, but the thing is, everyone gets it wrong. My idea of real women is the exact opposite. A woman is more than that, she is brave, she has the courage to defy others who think that she is beneath them, she is elegant and she has her pride and dignity. Anyone who tries to break her dignity, has no idea that it can never be destroyed.

 People come and go, they steal, they lie, they have fun, some ridicule or talk about you. There is this saying: "Whatever you do can't satisfy the human race, they will still ask for more." Everybody wants something from you, but my advice to you today, is to "Do your best and leave the rest."Do what you want, do what you feel is right for you. My advice to all women is to think about your needs, your dignity, your life, your pride, your integrity, then wonder why you need to think at all. Don't bother yourself about life. Life plays on you, infact it plays on everyone. I call life a player, I wonder what it wants too, some of the times. But thinking only wastes time! Move on with your life, make mistakes, have fun, try as much as you can to make your days memorable and always wake up happy. It's your life, live it to the fullest, don't be scared to come out of your shell.

Yes, I know that life might be hard on you, but when you are on your death bed and you're thinking about that one thing or the few things that made meaning to your life, it turns out that you might not have any. You don't have to be rich or poor, dull or smart, brave or shy, you are YOU and that's what makes you perfect, unique and real.