Lamentations and Whatnots

 

Is it just me? But I get really sad when someone I love wakes up one day and decides that they don't want to be friends or lovers anymore, and they walk out, leaving me wondering how it went wrong, what I could have done to prevent it, if I was the problem, or why they couldn't love me or stay with me for as long as I can or am willing to.

You could say these are the reasons behind why I've been somewhat hesitant when it comes to opening up to people or making new friends. You could say I'm stuck in the past, and I'm finding it hard to give new people a chance. These days, I've been socially awkward and always find an excuse to bury myself in a pile of abstract or theoretical work that doesn't require me to connect or network physically. I shy away and cower at the thought of being surrounded by people I'm not familiar with. I don't want to know you; I don't want to fall in love with your personality, and I don't want to dream about our lives together and get attached.

Most people close to me would say I'm hung up on the surreal idea of what a relationship should be. Could it be my head or heart is just stuck in the clouds? I can't have that one person who's my go-to for everything; I can't be everything for them either, so what is the ideal society relationship like? One that doesn't have depth or any meaning? Are we all just stringing ourselves along because somehow this person is important when it comes to academics, business, art, etc.?

Do I have abandonment issues? Maybe, yes, no, I can't say...

Do I want people to stay? Yes, totally.

Do they? 80% of the time, they leave. Lately, I've longed and actually been lamenting about the fact that I don't have a best friend. It's been about a year since I lost one, and the thought of it still hurts till today.

Maybe I'm suffering from the ability to love so deeply and quickly with fickle beings. But that is me, and I can't apologize for being a plain simp.

XOXO