Lamentations and Whatnots

 

Is it just me? But I get really sad when someone I love wakes up one day and decides that they don't want to be friends or lovers anymore, and they walk out, leaving me wondering how it went wrong, what I could have done to prevent it, if I was the problem, or why they couldn't love me or stay with me for as long as I can or am willing to.

You could say these are the reasons behind why I've been somewhat hesitant when it comes to opening up to people or making new friends. You could say I'm stuck in the past, and I'm finding it hard to give new people a chance. These days, I've been socially awkward and always find an excuse to bury myself in a pile of abstract or theoretical work that doesn't require me to connect or network physically. I shy away and cower at the thought of being surrounded by people I'm not familiar with. I don't want to know you; I don't want to fall in love with your personality, and I don't want to dream about our lives together and get attached.

Most people close to me would say I'm hung up on the surreal idea of what a relationship should be. Could it be my head or heart is just stuck in the clouds? I can't have that one person who's my go-to for everything; I can't be everything for them either, so what is the ideal society relationship like? One that doesn't have depth or any meaning? Are we all just stringing ourselves along because somehow this person is important when it comes to academics, business, art, etc.?

Do I have abandonment issues? Maybe, yes, no, I can't say...

Do I want people to stay? Yes, totally.

Do they? 80% of the time, they leave. Lately, I've longed and actually been lamenting about the fact that I don't have a best friend. It's been about a year since I lost one, and the thought of it still hurts till today.

Maybe I'm suffering from the ability to love so deeply and quickly with fickle beings. But that is me, and I can't apologize for being a plain simp.

XOXO

I Miss the Comfort of Being Sad

It's another go-around the sun for this blog, and I still can't believe it, guys. But it's safe to say that while I've been given another year to write to you, my dear loyal readers, I will always come here with a mind-stimulating article. Let's dig in, shall we?

Today, I want to explore a topic that has been on my mind lately—a subject that demands our attention and understanding: the addictiveness of depression. It's strange how our emotions can sometimes become a familiar sanctuary, even when they seem counterintuitive. This idea was prompted by three separate encounters—a touching post I read on Instagram, an article written by a friend, and my personal experiences. These encounters served as a catalyst for this contemplative journey, and I felt the need to delve deeper into this mysterious aspect of life.

Interestingly, the Instagram post portrayed a young man battling with the shadows of depression, and as I read the post, I couldn't help but relate to the allure of that darkness. There's an odd comfort in sinking into despair—a sense of control amidst chaos. For some, depression becomes an old friend—a space where emotions intertwine, finding solace in its embrace. It almost feels like donning a familiar, tattered coat—a coat that shields us from the world's expectations and pressures.

But what if depression becomes more than just a visitor? What if it starts to linger, seeping into every aspect of our lives until we find ourselves entangled in its snare? It's not a conscious decision to become addicted to sorrow, but as we linger in its clutches, we may start to lose sight of who we once were.

To be honest, after reading about her experience, I began to understand some of my mannerisms as well. I'd clamor, work for, and look forward to something, and when it finally does happen, I'd shrug it off like it didn't mean anything at all. Of course, internally, I was sure I wanted to display nothing short of joy, but I just couldn't bring myself to. On some other occasion, I'd try to hold onto a toxic view that the world was better without me in it and I didn't choose to be born. Why? I ask myself. I have life good, I have a family that adores me, I have love in abundance, I have intelligence and almost everything working for me, but why do I still cling to feeling continuously like crap when my life isn't?

This eye-opening revelation highlights the delicate balance between sorrow and happiness. When depression takes root, it can become a comfort zone, perpetuating a cycle of negativity that seems almost impossible to break. As strange as it may sound, depression can be addictive, tempting us to dwell in its clutches rather than seeking the light beyond the shadows.

The question then arises, how do we overcome this addictive despair? The journey to break free is complex, and it starts with acknowledging the presence of depression in our lives. We must recognize that it's okay to seek help and support, just as we would during any other addiction. Opening up about our struggles is not a sign of weakness but rather a display of strength—a step towards reclaiming our lives.

Moreover, we need to be mindful of the stories we tell ourselves. Instead of allowing depression to define us, let's remember that we are more than our sorrows. Each one of us is a tapestry of experiences, both good and bad, and we shouldn't let the dark threads overshadow the vibrant colors that weave our lives together.

Seeking professional help, talking to loved ones, and engaging in activities that bring joy are essential steps in overcoming the grip of addictive depression.

And just like the passing of another year for this blog, life too keeps moving forward, and with it, our understanding of ourselves and the world around us evolves. Until we meet again, my dear readers, take care, and let's continue to grow and learn together.

XOXO