Papa, Is That You?

Today is Father's Day, and as I reflect on this occasion, I realize that I may not be the most qualified person to discuss the topic. Having lost my father at a very young age, I have no personal experience of the father-daughter bond. Looking back, I can't help but feel a sense of longing, as if I've missed out on an essential part of life. Yet, over the years, I have come to grasp a glimpse of what I believe it should be.

During my childhood, my mother had a close friend who would visit us regularly. Whenever he came over, he would bring my favorite snacks and captivate me with bedtime stories about the mischievous adventures of the cunning tortoise. I would run to him, exclaiming "Big Daddy" with joy, and he would catch me in his arms, playfully lift me up, and place me on his lap. I would excitedly chatter away about my day, sharing personal details meant only for family. In my young mind, he became like family, and I would proudly boast to my classmates that he was my father. He held a special place in my heart then, and he still does now. Sometimes, I wonder how different my upbringing would have been without those cherished moments, as I can't imagine anything that could replace those memories. Unfortunately, this kind-hearted man passed away a few years ago, but his memory will forever remain dear to me.

With age, I have come to understand that fatherhood encompasses much more than the experiences I had. Our society often fails to recognize the immense sacrifices made by men for their families. Men leave their own families to build a home for themselves, their wives, and their children. A good and responsible man dedicates most of his life to his family, prioritizing their needs over his own. Despite being labeled as the "stronger sex," men are denied the opportunity to show vulnerability, express emotions, or make mistakes. If they do, they often face criticism even from those they consider family and friends—the very people who should be there to support them in their times of need. Men, too, are human beings and should be allowed to experience a range of emotions, to be fragile, and to acknowledge their pain. They are integral members of society and contribute significantly to its growth. These men are our fathers, brothers, cousins, uncles, and friends.

I have come to realize that being a father goes beyond simply being a playmate. Deep contemplation has led me to the conclusion that not having a biological father does not make me fatherless. I am fortunate to have two wonderful men who are married to my elder sisters. They have stepped into the role of father figures with grace and love, defying societal norms. Through their presence and guidance, I have gained a clearer understanding that being a father is not solely determined by genetics but is rooted in love—the truest and purest form of love.

 XOXO 

Jar of Hearts

Hey book worms! It's Dee again. Your friend, confidante, and goofball. Well, I'm going ahead to give my dramatic intro now that the salutations have been exchanged.

"To love is to die many times and be reborn into paradise." - Agnes Dairo.

Confused? Chuckles!

I recently started writing unrequited love stories because it's a favorite pastime of mine, and, well, I've had a substantial amount of experience with it. I record and turn them into videos. Then later, I post them on Instagram and TikTok. If you're interested, the handle is @InTheShadowOfLove. So far, I have gathered a few followers who are attracted to my beautiful and moving writing. Sprinkles some spice.

Then, one day, while scrolling through the streets of TikTok, I saw a video where it came to my notice that people only focus on the pain of unrequited love but forget to consider the pain of the object of that love, i.e., to be at the receiving end of unwanted feelings.

This video made me realise how unfair it is that we often fail to consider the emotions of the person who unintentionally becomes the villain in our stories. Looking back, I must admit my own past selfishness, and perhaps many of you can relate. Now here is a little exercise for you. Place yourself in the shoes of the other person. The person who is supposedly the object of your desires, the one who thoughts of them start your mornings and end your evenings, the one who your heart calls for, the one who you burn for. See what I did there? 😉

You don't love this person as they do you. They are probably your friend, coworker, or someone who just has a pleasant air about them, and you love to have them around, but you have no choice but to break their heart because you simply do not feel the same way. If that were you and such a person meant the world to you albeit in a platonic way, wouldn't it hurt you or break your heart a little to give them up? Knowing that your relationship with such a person might never fully heal? You get it now? I did this same exercise, and I guess you could say I understood how hard it could be for them too. I'm in no way invalidating the person whose love is unrequited feelings; I'm just looking at it through a different lens.

To be frank with you, bookworms, being alone in love sucks. And with reference to the quote I made earlier: "To love is to die many times and be reborn into paradise." What makes love stories so beautiful is the fact that both parties truly and deeply love each other. I say, "To have one's true love love them is to be born anew into a fantasy that will never end." Now, imagine a love where it is only you loving from afar. There will be no light, just darkness and hurt, and you might never truly know what happiness feels like. But really, unrequited loves aren't as bad as they are entirely made out to be, friends, as "There's a beauty in pain," and that love which has left you wounded can also heal you if you extend it to yourself."

 XOXO

TRANSCENDENCE

It seems wrong to think you're a good person or friend only because you treat your supposed friend or whoever how you would love to be treated. Humans are complicated and unpredictable, so relating with others requires more than just this simple approach. Therefore, relating with people isn't a piece of cake as many of us have made it out to be.

It's more like trying to feed a child vegetables in the hopes that they will eat them because it makes them healthy. A healthy child equals happy parents. Anyway, while the theory I mentioned earlier might work in a few cases or most, I've noted some irregularities with it, and I'm definitely going to share.

Exhibit A 

Elizabeth calls me every night before she goes to bed to hear about how my day went, offer encouragement and kind words, and ask if I need help making things easier for the next day. While I appreciate her efforts towards being a supportive friend, I might appreciate it a little more if she actually texted during the day and didn't wait until the day ends before checking in. What if I got into an accident? What if I had a mental breakdown or an episode during the day and needed help?

When I meet someone else who offers what I prefer, is it impossible to conclude that I'll become better friends with such a person and cease to notice Elizabeth's efforts towards me? If we turn the tables, we would see that Elizabeth is showing her support the way she expects to receive it but doesn't understand that I do not 'feel' supported, and so her efforts are wasted on me, regardless of her intentions.

Exhibit B 

John likes to buy gifts to make up for missing dates, plans, holidays because he has 'work to do,' leaving no room for actual time to connect. In John's defense, he sends flowers, trinkets, etc. to show his commitment. It doesn't register, as gifts don't matter to me as I'm into spending time together to connect.

I could go on and on, but really what I'm getting at is that people don't always want to be treated how you would love to be treated. It's what makes them unique and different from you. We all have our different love languages, and it's in how we read things.

This particular article reminds me of conversations I've had about how love languages aren't only limited to romantic relationships but are also present in friendships, which is evident in my tweets below. 

I was a bit vague there, but here is what I really meant:

When it comes to friendships, it's important to recognize that different people have different love languages. You can't assume that the way you like to give and receive love is the same as your friend's preferences. So, it's important to communicate and understand each other's love languages. This means being intentional about getting to know what your friend actually likes, rather than assuming based on your own preferences.

In terms of compromise, it means finding out how to express love and affection in a way that resonates with your friend's love language, even if it's not your preferred way of showing affection. It might mean making an effort to spend more quality time with them, giving them thoughtful gifts, or offering words of affirmation, for example.

Ultimately, real friendships involve mutual understanding and respect for each other's differences. It's about making the effort to connect with each other in a way that feels meaningful and authentic. So, in essence, the real work is about being intentional and getting to know what they actually like and not what is presupposed by your actions towards them. Hear them out and listen to them. A relationship is not a one-man party, you know?


Hey there! It's been a while, missed me? 😄 I've been enjoying my break and sorry not sorry, I haven't been tempted to write anything until today. I do hope, you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. For readers wondering why our layout has changed, I wouldn't be the gracious host that I am if I didn't make your reading experience comfortable. Although, if you're wondering where you can find the attachments, you can do that in two ways, the first one is easy. Look below and click "View web version" or set your browser to desktop site and they will appear. While you're on there, don't forget to subscribe, and share. Adios!

XOXO 

UNPLUGGED

I was watching a Korean thriller a few days ago and in the movie, the guy had installed spyware into his victim's phone and was watching her every move through the spyware. He was literally spying on her, listening in on her conversations, watching her, had access to her social media etcetera. This guy had her in the palm of his hands just because he could get into her phone, and when I deeply think about it, it makes me want to toss my phone and never own one ever again.

Lmao, but that isn't possible. While I don't dispute that these tiny computers have somewhat become so important to us and are very essential in living, especially in the world of today, I've wondered if people can actually live without their phones for even a day or two without going completely nuts.

I say this because I remember a day when Instagram, Facebook, WhatsApp - the Meta world in general, had a problem and we couldn't access our social media for the entire day. Luckily for me, I was so busy offline, and after I came home that day, I wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed, eat my dinner, watch a movie, and maybe then drift off to sleep. Sleep I did not, as I settled into watching Squid games, which had 1-hour long episodes, and I couldn't stop myself from watching until the end. Totally engrossed in my series, I completely forgot about social media and the outside world in general. It was not until I thought to check my messages the next day that I started to realize what had gone down the other day. I came online to meet rants, lamentations, and I couldn’t relate because, matter of factly, I didn't see how a whole day without social media was such a bad thing.

Sometimes I spontaneously turn off my phone just to be disconnected from technology for the whole day. I want no contact with the outside world, and I want nobody contacting me as well. Although going off like that can cause people who care about me a lot to worry, and that is why I don't do it so much. But on a few days, I like to drift away from the world that is the internet into my own world, the world that people forget to live in.

I like to take long walks at night, with the cool breeze blowing, touching my skin and hair. I like to admire nature: the trees, flowers, sunsets, and animals. I like to gaze at the stars and wonder why the moon is so bright at night. I bask in the solitude that just living in the world allows me to enjoy the simple things that make Earth, Earth. I like to know people and not what they post on social media. I'd like to know them, really.

In essence, I think we've all become so accustomed to the world online that we forget about the real world—the world we live in and I think it leaves a gap in a person. I mean, when you find fulfillment only in the things the world online gives you and can't do the same offline, it leaves a type of void that you might never know how to crawl out from. So why not start small? Take a day or two off and see what happens.

Hey look over here — If you've been enjoying my blog, abeg support your girl by subscribing via email and sharing my links. Also, in my previous post I asked readers to drop topics they would be interested in reading. Anyhoo, you'll be seeing me soon, I've got something cooked up. 😉 

 XOXO