Adulting Can Be Rosy Too.

My boyfriend says I spend too much time thinking about others instead of putting myself first. I daresay, he is not wrong. I guess I have always been used to thinking of others before myself, putting their needs before my own. Even if the little energy left should go to resting, I end up giving it away. I guess you could call it my bad habit.

I feel things more deeply than most people, and it affects my relationships. I start to feel their despair, their ambitions, and their happiness ten times more intensely than they do. I start to formulate plans on their behalf and strain myself to go the extra mile, even if I am not feeling up to it.

In all honesty, I never saw anything wrong with it until I realized that my mental health had deteriorated, and I was a walking apocalypse.

The littlest remark would set me off, and I’d either lash out or eventually pass out from crying so hard.

I am not perfect. I know this now.

I shouldn’t expect people to care as deeply as I do, and I shouldn’t expect to receive care the way I give it.

Sometimes I think my bad habit stems from how I was raised, but I won’t blame it on that. I definitely got used to believing that I had to earn love, which is why I find it hard to believe when people say they like me for me. I mean, what’s so special about me, right?

I’m not your typical beauty, and I’m not so agreeable. I have my own thoughts and strong opinions, and I’m as stubborn as an eel.

Hence my weariness.

I say words of affirmation are my primary love language, but I think that actions mean more to me.

I register actions first before I listen to the words.

Because people can lie while smiling, but their actions are never wrong.

It took me so many years to figure that out.

So maybe I am now truly learning what it means to be an adult, among other things.

The biggest realization that hit me recently is that while making money, building the right network, and always bringing value to the table are necessary, taking breaks and allowing myself to live are equally important and essential.

Real love is golden, and all the money in the world can’t buy that. I need to allow myself to be loved, I need to love myself too, and I sure as hell need to create boundaries and distance myself from people who only want to take advantage of my kindness.

So while I’m chasing the stars and making sure my community is growing, I need to also take care of little Dee. She needs me too.

XOXO