Twenty Fun, I look to you! 🍾🥂✨️

 My dear readers, I'm proud of you. You've made it this far and you're still standing, despite how hard it might be to. It's quite disheartening, however, how long it took me to write to you after my last post, but know that I have thought of you constantly and my heart is never far from this space that we've all come to know and love. I sometimes come on this page, not as the author but as the reader, loving the view and taking in every article that has taken abode in this space. I look at them, and it reminds me of every section of life that I have lived and the air that I breathe. And it makes me fall in love again with myself, the work of art that is my mind and soul, and grateful to God our creator for giving me life and this gift.

Whilst in my gratitude, I cannot forget how long the year has been and the process I have had to undergo.

Before the end of 2022, I had made my 2023 To-Do list and didn’t want to fill it up with so many things that I possibly couldn't achieve because of how spontaneous life can be. So I kept it simple, and so far, hopefully, before the year runs out, I'll be able to cross item 4 off my list. Here is the list below: 

This year started with a lot of rejection. Lol. I had sent out poetry, short stories, creative works to international magazines, and it all got rejected. Was I bummed and dispirited? Definitely! Did that hurt my ego and confidence in my art? Yes, it did.

So there I was, unmotivated, considering giving up writing altogether when I finally realized that it is a process and just because they rejected my work doesn't mean I wasn't good enough. It doesn't measure my value as an artist. Art is subjective, and I definitely will win some others as I forge ahead in the future. With that mindset in tow, I continued to write because I enjoyed it, and I continued to grow.

The second phase of the rejects came from job applications. I remember my friend, Amaka, and I lamenting on how it was so hard to come by internship jobs since we were still college students without superb results and necessary connections that other students seemed to have.

It's funny now that I think about it, but it wasn't funny then. The feeling of being lost and reaching out but having no one to hold your hand felt so permanent, and I already felt like a failure.

However, if there's one thing ingrained into me early in life, it's to not sit around moping and wallowing in self-pity. So I thought to myself, the people getting these opportunities I want so badly, how are they doing it? I asked the right questions, learned the right skills, took the right courses, and applied myself fully to the process. And I must say, hard work and smart work truly pay. As of the end of July, I got two internship offers. I was overjoyed. And everything felt so surreal. Like how? Nevertheless, I was grateful to God for giving me strength to forge on even in the midst of disappointment, and you know the saying, "There's light at the end of the tunnel"? There indeed was light.

For my relationships? I reflect on the year 2022 and how it played a monumental role in shaping the relationships I now cherish in 2023. 2021-2022 were years of revelations, and I'm indeed happy that I've finally severed ties with so many situations and people. I have come to see and accept present events as they are and what they are, finding contentment in just being. Nevertheless, I do wish everyone I no longer speak to immense happiness and a fulfilling life.

2023 has been a year of immense growth and change. I'm grateful for all that has been thrown my way because if there's one thing I understand now, it is that God doesn't give you struggles you can't handle; all you need to do is to let His spirit guide you.

So to my dear loyal readers, whether the year 2023 has been fruitful or not, approach the end of it with gratitude. For in fact, there is light after darkness. You just have to trust in yourself and your creator. You are more than enough to get you to the path you aspire to be on. Regardless of how far away it seems to be from your grasp, you'll get there. I'll put a pin in it here for now; I look forward to seeing you in the new year. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

PS: As is the status quo, I'll be celebrating the end of the year with the anniversary of my birth. I'll really appreciate it, if you say a little prayer for me. 

Bisou Bisou,

Dee.

DRAWING WATER

Before I dive into today's article, I'm giving you a heads-up. 😂 I think the philosophy courses and articles I've been taking and reading lately have somewhat ingrained themselves in my system. I've become quite accustomed to deep contemplation about why things are the way they are and the truths behind them. Not to say that I'm a philosopher. 😂 I just find it fascinating, and I hope this message finds you well. Let's dive in.

I now understand that you can neither be solely a good nor a bad person. I'm not good nor bad; I'm human. I do mundane things that flow naturally from within, because I am human. "Human me does and feels human things."

I've come to realize that I control how I feel about the narrative that's passed around about me. Accepting my imperfections as innate qualities sets me apart, and that in itself feels like I've broken free from the shackles of vanity. As there is as much bad as there is good in me.

I see now that we occasionally demonstrate goodness because we fear judgment, hoping that others perceive us as kind and virtuous. However, we sometimes, do this to feel good about ourselves. To affirm that we are indeed good, we quantify all our good deeds to prove a point. Why? I've figured it is to showcase our benevolence, gain recognition, or validate our intentions.

It's selfish – I'd even say more selfish than actually being true to your own emotions.

Why make someone think you're someone you're not? Why make them paint you white when you are black? I ask myself these questions, maybe because I want to understand why we do things we don't want to. But really, this is me fully grasping the depth of our collective vanity and superficiality.

Emotion – the good kind – leaves you feeling high, like you're floating on cloud 9. It's not inherently bad, and it's not inherently good either. We are allowed to want to connect with things, no matter how fickle they might be, to feel good. You know?

What's dawned on me is the recognition that humans are incentive-driven beings. For instance, individuals often extend acts of kindness with the underlying belief that these gestures will be repaid in kind, either directly or for future generations. This exemplifies how we blend acts of kindness with our self-interest, forming a complex pattern that defines our motivations and actions.

Basically, our human journey is like a mix of different reasons that come together like a song from deep within us. Everything we do, whether to help others or for ourselves, adds to the tune that shapes our lives.

XOXO

It's Not You, It's Me🥺

Whew! It’s the tenth month of the year. Are you kidding me? Long time no blog post. Did you miss me? For me, I missed you all. I thought about so many things and so many ways I should write to you, but I always let something else get in the way. And now we are here, two months and days from my last blog post and me losing my blog streak. LOL, if that’s a thing. Anyways, there has been a lot and so much to catch up on, but to summarize it all, I'd say that this has been a really transformative year for me. A lot has changed, internally and externally. I must say that it has been so scary for me too. And with how everything has been coming at me, I like to look back when I get the chance to reflect.

Do you ever not like change? I mean, have you ever found yourself being so anxious and weary of what change could do and bring? Have you found comfort in your routine, not looking to upscale, but at the same time wishing to, but you would rather not because you are not sure you want or need the change? Well, this is not to say that I don’t like change, but I remember having a conversation about this particular concept with a work colleague of mine a few weeks ago. She asked why I'm still friends with certain people when I know they aren’t friends in the real sense. I made an unconscious response to that question with, “because I'm familiar with their attitude and I know what to expect and what not to.” And then she instantly psychoanalyzed me and told me she thinks I have a control problem. Then I thought about it really. Actually, I do have a problem. My need to control things just comes in the most unusual ways, just like I have written above. I remain in certain situations just because I don’t want to change things and I can control what it is I already know the likely outcome of. Of course, I do take risks, once in a while, but the chances of that happening between 0-5 are quite slim.

A lot has indeed changed, and a lot has changed me. Do I find them to be scary sometimes? 100%, but then again, such is life. The trick to it is to grab it by its horns and navigate it towards the best suitable path to tread on. And so this is plain Dee writing to you all after a long hiatus, telling you that change can be good when you let it. Fear is your biggest enemy, and like I always say, “you never really know what you are made of or can achieve if you never put yourself out there.” Be bold, and trust in your abilities.

By the way, I don’t think I've mentioned it on here that I recently published a poetry chapbook, and it is available in both ebook and paperback formats. To purchase a copy, click on the link in my widgets section which says, “I'm an author, buy my book.” My poetry chapbook gives a little insight into how much your girl has grown, and I'm so happy that I finally mustered up the courage to finish it and publish it. When you do read it, please leave a review; I love to receive feedback. I have another book which is a short story, and I'm sure you will get the whole idea of it once you click on the link you really need to.

Signing off, do not be sad, guys; this was just a quick pop in, as real life has me on a chokehold for now. I'm pretty sad that I haven’t been writing as much as I should be recently. However, I'm not totally off; I'll still write to you, but I write on various other mediums as well. Look me up on Instagram, X (Formely Twitter), Threads, LinkedIn, etc. Let us connect. I go by the name Agnes Dairo on most of these apps. I really do hope to see your connection requests. Do have a wonderful week ahead. And to the Nigerians reading this, I am wishing you a happy independence.

       XOXO 

Lamentations and Whatnots

 

Is it just me? But I get really sad when someone I love wakes up one day and decides that they don't want to be friends or lovers anymore, and they walk out, leaving me wondering how it went wrong, what I could have done to prevent it, if I was the problem, or why they couldn't love me or stay with me for as long as I can or am willing to.

You could say these are the reasons behind why I've been somewhat hesitant when it comes to opening up to people or making new friends. You could say I'm stuck in the past, and I'm finding it hard to give new people a chance. These days, I've been socially awkward and always find an excuse to bury myself in a pile of abstract or theoretical work that doesn't require me to connect or network physically. I shy away and cower at the thought of being surrounded by people I'm not familiar with. I don't want to know you; I don't want to fall in love with your personality, and I don't want to dream about our lives together and get attached.

Most people close to me would say I'm hung up on the surreal idea of what a relationship should be. Could it be my head or heart is just stuck in the clouds? I can't have that one person who's my go-to for everything; I can't be everything for them either, so what is the ideal society relationship like? One that doesn't have depth or any meaning? Are we all just stringing ourselves along because somehow this person is important when it comes to academics, business, art, etc.?

Do I have abandonment issues? Maybe, yes, no, I can't say...

Do I want people to stay? Yes, totally.

Do they? 80% of the time, they leave. Lately, I've longed and actually been lamenting about the fact that I don't have a best friend. It's been about a year since I lost one, and the thought of it still hurts till today.

Maybe I'm suffering from the ability to love so deeply and quickly with fickle beings. But that is me, and I can't apologize for being a plain simp.

XOXO