I Love You 🤍

 To be honest, I’m not really sorry for the long hiatus. I needed a break from writing and honestly, this doesn’t mean that I’m back. I’ve just been in my feelings lately and wanted to put this out here. So if you get this, know that I am fine and I definitely do not want to talk. 

Six years ago, on this day, I saw you fighting for your life—fighting to breathe, fighting to wake up, fighting to live. I prayed, wishing and hoping you would recover, praying my biggest nightmare wouldn't come true. But the next day, after so many prayers and crying myself to sleep, I woke up to the news of your death.

I knew I did my best, playing my part as the perfect daughter to keep you happy and ease the stress of being a single parent. That was my way of loving you. In the typical Nigerian family setting, we hardly ever told each other we loved each other, but I felt your love every day. That’s why I wanted to be your perfect little girl the best way I knew how. When I heard the news and cried, I didn’t feel like I was grieving enough. I had questions. Why did it have to happen now? We had plans. I was to go to school, study law, and come home every weekend to keep you company. You even said you’d enroll in a master's program, and we might end up being roommates. We laughed at that, but I looked forward to it because I felt your support and dedication to my dreams. You always listened to me, even when I rambled on. I was a tiresome child, wasn’t I?

But when most people wouldn’t take me seriously, you would. Because your daughter was talking, and that meant it was important. We used to dance together, and I’d listen to you sing. Your voice was mesmerizing, and even the sound of your laughter was like music to my ears. That’s why, when I was asked to pen my goodbye note for the burial program, I bolted and locked myself in the bathroom, shrieking and crying because I couldn’t bear to think it was really happening. That my mummy was leaving me.

I thought to myself, was that why you called the week before and gave me that silver ring you loved so much? Your gaze felt so intense while giving it to me. It felt like you had made up your mind to leave something for me to remember you by, a piece of you to look back on and guard close to my heart because you knew you’d be leaving soon.

I wondered why you couldn’t stay to see all our plans materialize and then maybe sit side by side like we always did and make new ones. I thought to myself, maybe that’s why making plans and scheduling things became my go-to fun things to do.

I watched your body lying lifeless, with flies perching on your dried-up skin, beckoning you to wave them off, but you couldn’t. We had an open coffin, and everyone, both frenemies and family, surrounded you, crying and wailing. 

I couldn’t shed a tear because, of course, we shouldn’t be seen crying on such a day; our so-called enemies might see that as an opportunity to put a spell on us or work their juju. 

I watched them cover your coffin. It was done. You were six feet under. We got home and met a feast. I asked myself, what is there to celebrate? Why are we having people over? None of you were at the burial ground when I buried my mother. Why do I have to serve you with a smile on my face? 

Weeks after, it still didn’t sink in.

Then one day, it finally dawned on me that I’d lost the greatest gift I had. The one person who loved me unconditionally, the one person who understood me, my original best friend, and I won’t get her back. 

Even now, six years after, it’s so saddening that whenever I have big news or sad news, I can’t call you or run to you. Because my mama is gone… And I have to live with that hurt, whilst trying to see you in every single thing.

XX,

Dee

HEALTHY

 It’s been a minute, my friends. And while we’re in the third month of the year, a lot has happened within such a short time. However, I’m not here to whine. To be honest, these days, I’ve lacked the motivation to write and my thoughts have been cloudy. So, know that “it’s not you, it’s me,” as I usually say. I have a question to ask: Have you ever felt like whatever you do will never be enough? You’re never going to be beautiful or smart enough, you’re never going to have the perfect manners or figure. If you have ever felt like that, I think we have something in common—

at least, Once upon a time.

A friend gave me one of the most out-of-the-box compliments while we were on a picnic towards the end of 2023. "What is this compliment?" you're probably wondering. It was, "You look healthy." I didn’t think much of it back then, but now that I think about it, it really means a lot.

I have been through it, at the hands of people.

To be honest, over the past year, I’ve moved from a size 6 to a size 10. My waistline has evolved from a 26 to a 30/31, and my cheeks are alive and plump. Funnily enough, looking into the mirror, I feel awesome and good about my appearance. I feel like I finally started living. I wish that were the case with others.

Sighs…As usual, human beings will criticize what doesn’t conform to what they know. Sadly, over the past months, as comfortable as I’ve become in my new skin, it doesn’t seem to sit well with others.

“You’re fat now, o!” they say. I chuckle inwardly. Maybe because it’s the same persons who complained and whined about how I moved from a size 10 to a size 6 about 2 years ago. “Deolu, you’re so skinny, are you okay?” No, I really wasn’t. My head wasn’t right. Vipers that I called friends were after my blood, and they made it dinner. A feast!

I’ve always been more of a giver than a taker. I gave until I ended up in the hospital. Skinny, sick, thinking I’d die. Die, I did not. But learn, I did.

Then and there, I realized that I had given the first 20 years of my life in service and I needed to make a much-needed retirement. It’s not like the people who expended so much energy appreciated it much. But I won’t die without living for myself. I refuse to.

Making that vow to myself, I am where I am now. I look healthy, that is because I feel healthy, my love. Thank you for the compliment. I’ve realized that I can choose the comments I want to listen to and I choose to listen and reply to the good ones. It really helped cement my appreciation for my new self, and I’ll give myself a new life to match.

If you stayed with me this long, spell out what you learnt in the comment section. I’ll be watching. Till next time, beautiful people. 

XOXO,

Dee

I See Fire

To every beginning, there is an end, which brings about new beginnings, and we continue in that cycle—the cycle of life.

As with every birth, there has once been either a gruesome or peaceful end. 

Shalom!

 Death is a part of life. Part of the chain, thus an inevitable end. I dare say that I've had my fair share of death. I'd even say more than enough. Before I was born I had lost to death. I came to the world with no grandparents either paternal or maternal and a month and a few days before my second birthday, I lost my father to death and 5 years ago, I lost my mother too. 

I've always been quite envious and at the same time empty. Envious of people that get to live up to their 40s or more and still have either one or both of their parents alive. Envious of my peers who still get to experience a mother's or father's love. Envious of those who knew their grandparents. And I always wonder why I've been dealt this card. 

I'm in this twisted world with no family except ofcourse, my siblings. We probably all wish we could hug our mum or feel her warmth. We probably still want a father's guidance and protection. But for most of our youth, we've been denied that.

This really isn't a pity party for me. I've accepted my reality and learned to live with it. But to the people suffering out there due to one loss or the other, I want you to know that you'll get through it. It will seem like a very real but bad dream you want to wake up from. Unfortunately, it isn't. But you're strong and will survive this. Grieve and feel the loss, do not deny yourself the opportunity. You lost a love, so mourn your love. No one understands your pain as much as you do and no one can tell you how to grieve. But once you do, also remember you have those who still love you and live for them and yourself because that is what who you've lost will want. They'd want you to be happy and free.

I apologise for the intense air my friends, but I wouldn't be me if I wasn't real. I understand that we come online to get away from the harsh realities of life, but in all honesty, I think we should quit running. Life is life. The good, the bad, and everything in between. Let's live it. 

Happy 2024! 

XOXO,

Dee.

Twenty Fun, I look to you! 🍾🥂✨️

 My dear readers, I'm proud of you. You've made it this far and you're still standing, despite how hard it might be to. It's quite disheartening, however, how long it took me to write to you after my last post, but know that I have thought of you constantly and my heart is never far from this space that we've all come to know and love. I sometimes come on this page, not as the author but as the reader, loving the view and taking in every article that has taken abode in this space. I look at them, and it reminds me of every section of life that I have lived and the air that I breathe. And it makes me fall in love again with myself, the work of art that is my mind and soul, and grateful to God our creator for giving me life and this gift.

Whilst in my gratitude, I cannot forget how long the year has been and the process I have had to undergo.

Before the end of 2022, I had made my 2023 To-Do list and didn’t want to fill it up with so many things that I possibly couldn't achieve because of how spontaneous life can be. So I kept it simple, and so far, hopefully, before the year runs out, I'll be able to cross item 4 off my list. Here is the list below: 

This year started with a lot of rejection. Lol. I had sent out poetry, short stories, creative works to international magazines, and it all got rejected. Was I bummed and dispirited? Definitely! Did that hurt my ego and confidence in my art? Yes, it did.

So there I was, unmotivated, considering giving up writing altogether when I finally realized that it is a process and just because they rejected my work doesn't mean I wasn't good enough. It doesn't measure my value as an artist. Art is subjective, and I definitely will win some others as I forge ahead in the future. With that mindset in tow, I continued to write because I enjoyed it, and I continued to grow.

The second phase of the rejects came from job applications. I remember my friend, Amaka, and I lamenting on how it was so hard to come by internship jobs since we were still college students without superb results and necessary connections that other students seemed to have.

It's funny now that I think about it, but it wasn't funny then. The feeling of being lost and reaching out but having no one to hold your hand felt so permanent, and I already felt like a failure.

However, if there's one thing ingrained into me early in life, it's to not sit around moping and wallowing in self-pity. So I thought to myself, the people getting these opportunities I want so badly, how are they doing it? I asked the right questions, learned the right skills, took the right courses, and applied myself fully to the process. And I must say, hard work and smart work truly pay. As of the end of July, I got two internship offers. I was overjoyed. And everything felt so surreal. Like how? Nevertheless, I was grateful to God for giving me strength to forge on even in the midst of disappointment, and you know the saying, "There's light at the end of the tunnel"? There indeed was light.

For my relationships? I reflect on the year 2022 and how it played a monumental role in shaping the relationships I now cherish in 2023. 2021-2022 were years of revelations, and I'm indeed happy that I've finally severed ties with so many situations and people. I have come to see and accept present events as they are and what they are, finding contentment in just being. Nevertheless, I do wish everyone I no longer speak to immense happiness and a fulfilling life.

2023 has been a year of immense growth and change. I'm grateful for all that has been thrown my way because if there's one thing I understand now, it is that God doesn't give you struggles you can't handle; all you need to do is to let His spirit guide you.

So to my dear loyal readers, whether the year 2023 has been fruitful or not, approach the end of it with gratitude. For in fact, there is light after darkness. You just have to trust in yourself and your creator. You are more than enough to get you to the path you aspire to be on. Regardless of how far away it seems to be from your grasp, you'll get there. I'll put a pin in it here for now; I look forward to seeing you in the new year. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

PS: As is the status quo, I'll be celebrating the end of the year with the anniversary of my birth. I'll really appreciate it, if you say a little prayer for me. 

Bisou Bisou,

Dee.