Love with Sprinkles 💖

 As you know, my last Father's Day post tugged at the heartstrings a bit. But I won't be a downer today. Let me indulge my mushy side for a moment.

I'll be honest: I kind of have a "Daddy issue." Not that I had a deadbeat dad, but I never got to meet mine. So, I might have been unconsciously searching for a father figure in my potential love interests. LOL!

Over the years, I've learned, unlearned, and relearned some things, mostly about loving healthily. 

I never had many standards when picking a partner. As long as he was nice, serious, and, oh yeah, "wanted to build a family," I was smitten. 

But in the past three years, I've come to understand what it means to have standards, why they're important, and what true love is.

Love is a choice, a decision. It's choosing someone you connect with most deeply and making the most of that choice. It's choosing a home.

And in my home of three years, I've become a more beautiful version of myself.

Now, let's talk about my Home for a bit. It's a place that knows me like no other. On most days, I could swear we were twins who shared a womb! We have so many similarities and personality traits in common. We both love the comfort of each other's presence, the cold air, art, long walks, and having deep conversations. Oh, you should see us banter – it's such an animated sight!

My home has taught me to be kinder to myself and made me understand that I can't do it all alone.

He allows me to be a little girl again, to giggle all day and forget about the weight on my shoulders, even if it's just for a minute.

I can come home and completely fall apart because he'll help me pick up the pieces and tell me that failure isn't the end; I just have to try again.

My home is supportive, listens and cheers me on every day. He makes the absolute best turkey egusi soup, and he buys me ice cream when I have a bad day.

He reminds me to take care of myself because my well-being is important too.

My home goes the extra mile to make sure his princess is happy, and he's intentional about it.

He might not speak much, but his actions speak volumes.

So, to my home and to all the other homes out there, thank you for being warm when the world is cold. Thank you for being a haven.

Happy Father's Day to all who make sure to provide for their families. We love you deeply, and thank you for loving us so much.

XOXO,

Dee

Adulting Can Be Rosy Too.

My boyfriend says I spend too much time thinking about others instead of putting myself first. I daresay, he is not wrong. I guess I have always been used to thinking of others before myself, putting their needs before my own. Even if the little energy left should go to resting, I end up giving it away. I guess you could call it my bad habit.

I feel things more deeply than most people, and it affects my relationships. I start to feel their despair, their ambitions, and their happiness ten times more intensely than they do. I start to formulate plans on their behalf and strain myself to go the extra mile, even if I am not feeling up to it.

In all honesty, I never saw anything wrong with it until I realized that my mental health had deteriorated, and I was a walking apocalypse.

The littlest remark would set me off, and I’d either lash out or eventually pass out from crying so hard.

I am not perfect. I know this now.

I shouldn’t expect people to care as deeply as I do, and I shouldn’t expect to receive care the way I give it.

Sometimes I think my bad habit stems from how I was raised, but I won’t blame it on that. I definitely got used to believing that I had to earn love, which is why I find it hard to believe when people say they like me for me. I mean, what’s so special about me, right?

I’m not your typical beauty, and I’m not so agreeable. I have my own thoughts and strong opinions, and I’m as stubborn as an eel.

Hence my weariness.

I say words of affirmation are my primary love language, but I think that actions mean more to me.

I register actions first before I listen to the words.

Because people can lie while smiling, but their actions are never wrong.

It took me so many years to figure that out.

So maybe I am now truly learning what it means to be an adult, among other things.

The biggest realization that hit me recently is that while making money, building the right network, and always bringing value to the table are necessary, taking breaks and allowing myself to live are equally important and essential.

Real love is golden, and all the money in the world can’t buy that. I need to allow myself to be loved, I need to love myself too, and I sure as hell need to create boundaries and distance myself from people who only want to take advantage of my kindness.

So while I’m chasing the stars and making sure my community is growing, I need to also take care of little Dee. She needs me too.

XOXO

I Love You 🤍

 To be honest, I’m not really sorry for the long hiatus. I needed a break from writing and honestly, this doesn’t mean that I’m back. I’ve just been in my feelings lately and wanted to put this out here. So if you get this, know that I am fine and I definitely do not want to talk. 

Six years ago, on this day, I saw you fighting for your life—fighting to breathe, fighting to wake up, fighting to live. I prayed, wishing and hoping you would recover, praying my biggest nightmare wouldn't come true. But the next day, after so many prayers and crying myself to sleep, I woke up to the news of your death.

I knew I did my best, playing my part as the perfect daughter to keep you happy and ease the stress of being a single parent. That was my way of loving you. In the typical Nigerian family setting, we hardly ever told each other we loved each other, but I felt your love every day. That’s why I wanted to be your perfect little girl the best way I knew how. When I heard the news and cried, I didn’t feel like I was grieving enough. I had questions. Why did it have to happen now? We had plans. I was to go to school, study law, and come home every weekend to keep you company. You even said you’d enroll in a master's program, and we might end up being roommates. We laughed at that, but I looked forward to it because I felt your support and dedication to my dreams. You always listened to me, even when I rambled on. I was a tiresome child, wasn’t I?

But when most people wouldn’t take me seriously, you would. Because your daughter was talking, and that meant it was important. We used to dance together, and I’d listen to you sing. Your voice was mesmerizing, and even the sound of your laughter was like music to my ears. That’s why, when I was asked to pen my goodbye note for the burial program, I bolted and locked myself in the bathroom, shrieking and crying because I couldn’t bear to think it was really happening. That my mummy was leaving me.

I thought to myself, was that why you called the week before and gave me that silver ring you loved so much? Your gaze felt so intense while giving it to me. It felt like you had made up your mind to leave something for me to remember you by, a piece of you to look back on and guard close to my heart because you knew you’d be leaving soon.

I wondered why you couldn’t stay to see all our plans materialize and then maybe sit side by side like we always did and make new ones. I thought to myself, maybe that’s why making plans and scheduling things became my go-to fun things to do.

I watched your body lying lifeless, with flies perching on your dried-up skin, beckoning you to wave them off, but you couldn’t. We had an open coffin, and everyone, both frenemies and family, surrounded you, crying and wailing. 

I couldn’t shed a tear because, of course, we shouldn’t be seen crying on such a day; our so-called enemies might see that as an opportunity to put a spell on us or work their juju. 

I watched them cover your coffin. It was done. You were six feet under. We got home and met a feast. I asked myself, what is there to celebrate? Why are we having people over? None of you were at the burial ground when I buried my mother. Why do I have to serve you with a smile on my face? 

Weeks after, it still didn’t sink in.

Then one day, it finally dawned on me that I’d lost the greatest gift I had. The one person who loved me unconditionally, the one person who understood me, my original best friend, and I won’t get her back. 

Even now, six years after, it’s so saddening that whenever I have big news or sad news, I can’t call you or run to you. Because my mama is gone… And I have to live with that hurt, whilst trying to see you in every single thing.

XX,

Dee

HEALTHY

 It’s been a minute, my friends. And while we’re in the third month of the year, a lot has happened within such a short time. However, I’m not here to whine. To be honest, these days, I’ve lacked the motivation to write and my thoughts have been cloudy. So, know that “it’s not you, it’s me,” as I usually say. I have a question to ask: Have you ever felt like whatever you do will never be enough? You’re never going to be beautiful or smart enough, you’re never going to have the perfect manners or figure. If you have ever felt like that, I think we have something in common—

at least, Once upon a time.

A friend gave me one of the most out-of-the-box compliments while we were on a picnic towards the end of 2023. "What is this compliment?" you're probably wondering. It was, "You look healthy." I didn’t think much of it back then, but now that I think about it, it really means a lot.

I have been through it, at the hands of people.

To be honest, over the past year, I’ve moved from a size 6 to a size 10. My waistline has evolved from a 26 to a 30/31, and my cheeks are alive and plump. Funnily enough, looking into the mirror, I feel awesome and good about my appearance. I feel like I finally started living. I wish that were the case with others.

Sighs…As usual, human beings will criticize what doesn’t conform to what they know. Sadly, over the past months, as comfortable as I’ve become in my new skin, it doesn’t seem to sit well with others.

“You’re fat now, o!” they say. I chuckle inwardly. Maybe because it’s the same persons who complained and whined about how I moved from a size 10 to a size 6 about 2 years ago. “Deolu, you’re so skinny, are you okay?” No, I really wasn’t. My head wasn’t right. Vipers that I called friends were after my blood, and they made it dinner. A feast!

I’ve always been more of a giver than a taker. I gave until I ended up in the hospital. Skinny, sick, thinking I’d die. Die, I did not. But learn, I did.

Then and there, I realized that I had given the first 20 years of my life in service and I needed to make a much-needed retirement. It’s not like the people who expended so much energy appreciated it much. But I won’t die without living for myself. I refuse to.

Making that vow to myself, I am where I am now. I look healthy, that is because I feel healthy, my love. Thank you for the compliment. I’ve realized that I can choose the comments I want to listen to and I choose to listen and reply to the good ones. It really helped cement my appreciation for my new self, and I’ll give myself a new life to match.

If you stayed with me this long, spell out what you learnt in the comment section. I’ll be watching. Till next time, beautiful people. 

XOXO,

Dee

I See Fire

To every beginning, there is an end, which brings about new beginnings, and we continue in that cycle—the cycle of life.

As with every birth, there has once been either a gruesome or peaceful end. 

Shalom!

 Death is a part of life. Part of the chain, thus an inevitable end. I dare say that I've had my fair share of death. I'd even say more than enough. Before I was born I had lost to death. I came to the world with no grandparents either paternal or maternal and a month and a few days before my second birthday, I lost my father to death and 5 years ago, I lost my mother too. 

I've always been quite envious and at the same time empty. Envious of people that get to live up to their 40s or more and still have either one or both of their parents alive. Envious of my peers who still get to experience a mother's or father's love. Envious of those who knew their grandparents. And I always wonder why I've been dealt this card. 

I'm in this twisted world with no family except ofcourse, my siblings. We probably all wish we could hug our mum or feel her warmth. We probably still want a father's guidance and protection. But for most of our youth, we've been denied that.

This really isn't a pity party for me. I've accepted my reality and learned to live with it. But to the people suffering out there due to one loss or the other, I want you to know that you'll get through it. It will seem like a very real but bad dream you want to wake up from. Unfortunately, it isn't. But you're strong and will survive this. Grieve and feel the loss, do not deny yourself the opportunity. You lost a love, so mourn your love. No one understands your pain as much as you do and no one can tell you how to grieve. But once you do, also remember you have those who still love you and live for them and yourself because that is what who you've lost will want. They'd want you to be happy and free.

I apologise for the intense air my friends, but I wouldn't be me if I wasn't real. I understand that we come online to get away from the harsh realities of life, but in all honesty, I think we should quit running. Life is life. The good, the bad, and everything in between. Let's live it. 

Happy 2024! 

XOXO,

Dee.

Twenty Fun, I look to you! 🍾🥂✨️

 My dear readers, I'm proud of you. You've made it this far and you're still standing, despite how hard it might be to. It's quite disheartening, however, how long it took me to write to you after my last post, but know that I have thought of you constantly and my heart is never far from this space that we've all come to know and love. I sometimes come on this page, not as the author but as the reader, loving the view and taking in every article that has taken abode in this space. I look at them, and it reminds me of every section of life that I have lived and the air that I breathe. And it makes me fall in love again with myself, the work of art that is my mind and soul, and grateful to God our creator for giving me life and this gift.

Whilst in my gratitude, I cannot forget how long the year has been and the process I have had to undergo.

Before the end of 2022, I had made my 2023 To-Do list and didn’t want to fill it up with so many things that I possibly couldn't achieve because of how spontaneous life can be. So I kept it simple, and so far, hopefully, before the year runs out, I'll be able to cross item 4 off my list. Here is the list below: 

This year started with a lot of rejection. Lol. I had sent out poetry, short stories, creative works to international magazines, and it all got rejected. Was I bummed and dispirited? Definitely! Did that hurt my ego and confidence in my art? Yes, it did.

So there I was, unmotivated, considering giving up writing altogether when I finally realized that it is a process and just because they rejected my work doesn't mean I wasn't good enough. It doesn't measure my value as an artist. Art is subjective, and I definitely will win some others as I forge ahead in the future. With that mindset in tow, I continued to write because I enjoyed it, and I continued to grow.

The second phase of the rejects came from job applications. I remember my friend, Amaka, and I lamenting on how it was so hard to come by internship jobs since we were still college students without superb results and necessary connections that other students seemed to have.

It's funny now that I think about it, but it wasn't funny then. The feeling of being lost and reaching out but having no one to hold your hand felt so permanent, and I already felt like a failure.

However, if there's one thing ingrained into me early in life, it's to not sit around moping and wallowing in self-pity. So I thought to myself, the people getting these opportunities I want so badly, how are they doing it? I asked the right questions, learned the right skills, took the right courses, and applied myself fully to the process. And I must say, hard work and smart work truly pay. As of the end of July, I got two internship offers. I was overjoyed. And everything felt so surreal. Like how? Nevertheless, I was grateful to God for giving me strength to forge on even in the midst of disappointment, and you know the saying, "There's light at the end of the tunnel"? There indeed was light.

For my relationships? I reflect on the year 2022 and how it played a monumental role in shaping the relationships I now cherish in 2023. 2021-2022 were years of revelations, and I'm indeed happy that I've finally severed ties with so many situations and people. I have come to see and accept present events as they are and what they are, finding contentment in just being. Nevertheless, I do wish everyone I no longer speak to immense happiness and a fulfilling life.

2023 has been a year of immense growth and change. I'm grateful for all that has been thrown my way because if there's one thing I understand now, it is that God doesn't give you struggles you can't handle; all you need to do is to let His spirit guide you.

So to my dear loyal readers, whether the year 2023 has been fruitful or not, approach the end of it with gratitude. For in fact, there is light after darkness. You just have to trust in yourself and your creator. You are more than enough to get you to the path you aspire to be on. Regardless of how far away it seems to be from your grasp, you'll get there. I'll put a pin in it here for now; I look forward to seeing you in the new year. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

PS: As is the status quo, I'll be celebrating the end of the year with the anniversary of my birth. I'll really appreciate it, if you say a little prayer for me. 

Bisou Bisou,

Dee.

DRAWING WATER

Before I dive into today's article, I'm giving you a heads-up. 😂 I think the philosophy courses and articles I've been taking and reading lately have somewhat ingrained themselves in my system. I've become quite accustomed to deep contemplation about why things are the way they are and the truths behind them. Not to say that I'm a philosopher. 😂 I just find it fascinating, and I hope this message finds you well. Let's dive in.

I now understand that you can neither be solely a good nor a bad person. I'm not good nor bad; I'm human. I do mundane things that flow naturally from within, because I am human. "Human me does and feels human things."

I've come to realize that I control how I feel about the narrative that's passed around about me. Accepting my imperfections as innate qualities sets me apart, and that in itself feels like I've broken free from the shackles of vanity. As there is as much bad as there is good in me.

I see now that we occasionally demonstrate goodness because we fear judgment, hoping that others perceive us as kind and virtuous. However, we sometimes, do this to feel good about ourselves. To affirm that we are indeed good, we quantify all our good deeds to prove a point. Why? I've figured it is to showcase our benevolence, gain recognition, or validate our intentions.

It's selfish – I'd even say more selfish than actually being true to your own emotions.

Why make someone think you're someone you're not? Why make them paint you white when you are black? I ask myself these questions, maybe because I want to understand why we do things we don't want to. But really, this is me fully grasping the depth of our collective vanity and superficiality.

Emotion – the good kind – leaves you feeling high, like you're floating on cloud 9. It's not inherently bad, and it's not inherently good either. We are allowed to want to connect with things, no matter how fickle they might be, to feel good. You know?

What's dawned on me is the recognition that humans are incentive-driven beings. For instance, individuals often extend acts of kindness with the underlying belief that these gestures will be repaid in kind, either directly or for future generations. This exemplifies how we blend acts of kindness with our self-interest, forming a complex pattern that defines our motivations and actions.

Basically, our human journey is like a mix of different reasons that come together like a song from deep within us. Everything we do, whether to help others or for ourselves, adds to the tune that shapes our lives.

XOXO

It's Not You, It's Me🥺

Whew! It’s the tenth month of the year. Are you kidding me? Long time no blog post. Did you miss me? For me, I missed you all. I thought about so many things and so many ways I should write to you, but I always let something else get in the way. And now we are here, two months and days from my last blog post and me losing my blog streak. LOL, if that’s a thing. Anyways, there has been a lot and so much to catch up on, but to summarize it all, I'd say that this has been a really transformative year for me. A lot has changed, internally and externally. I must say that it has been so scary for me too. And with how everything has been coming at me, I like to look back when I get the chance to reflect.

Do you ever not like change? I mean, have you ever found yourself being so anxious and weary of what change could do and bring? Have you found comfort in your routine, not looking to upscale, but at the same time wishing to, but you would rather not because you are not sure you want or need the change? Well, this is not to say that I don’t like change, but I remember having a conversation about this particular concept with a work colleague of mine a few weeks ago. She asked why I'm still friends with certain people when I know they aren’t friends in the real sense. I made an unconscious response to that question with, “because I'm familiar with their attitude and I know what to expect and what not to.” And then she instantly psychoanalyzed me and told me she thinks I have a control problem. Then I thought about it really. Actually, I do have a problem. My need to control things just comes in the most unusual ways, just like I have written above. I remain in certain situations just because I don’t want to change things and I can control what it is I already know the likely outcome of. Of course, I do take risks, once in a while, but the chances of that happening between 0-5 are quite slim.

A lot has indeed changed, and a lot has changed me. Do I find them to be scary sometimes? 100%, but then again, such is life. The trick to it is to grab it by its horns and navigate it towards the best suitable path to tread on. And so this is plain Dee writing to you all after a long hiatus, telling you that change can be good when you let it. Fear is your biggest enemy, and like I always say, “you never really know what you are made of or can achieve if you never put yourself out there.” Be bold, and trust in your abilities.

By the way, I don’t think I've mentioned it on here that I recently published a poetry chapbook, and it is available in both ebook and paperback formats. To purchase a copy, click on the link in my widgets section which says, “I'm an author, buy my book.” My poetry chapbook gives a little insight into how much your girl has grown, and I'm so happy that I finally mustered up the courage to finish it and publish it. When you do read it, please leave a review; I love to receive feedback. I have another book which is a short story, and I'm sure you will get the whole idea of it once you click on the link you really need to.

Signing off, do not be sad, guys; this was just a quick pop in, as real life has me on a chokehold for now. I'm pretty sad that I haven’t been writing as much as I should be recently. However, I'm not totally off; I'll still write to you, but I write on various other mediums as well. Look me up on Instagram, X (Formely Twitter), Threads, LinkedIn, etc. Let us connect. I go by the name Agnes Dairo on most of these apps. I really do hope to see your connection requests. Do have a wonderful week ahead. And to the Nigerians reading this, I am wishing you a happy independence.

       XOXO