I often wish that I had met the people in my life right now, before the people that were previously in it. And if I had met them first, would I have given them the same opportunities I gave the people who were in it in the past? Would they hurt me as I have been hurt, or would they be as they are now? As I've come to know them to be. I really don't know and I can't state otherwise, but as I write to you, my dear readers, at 12 midnight, I can't help but to keep reflecting and pondering over the past; the better decisions I should have made, the things I should have said and refused. It's out of my hands, I know, but it really isn't in my nature to go easy on myself. I am responsible for my life and my choices. I'm responsible for its effect on me as well.
While I'm still in the process of learning to move on and forgiving myself, I have also come to terms with the fact that in order to live a life one doesn't end up regretting, we are responsible for the people we let into our lives, the people we give access, the people we allow to exercise some control over us, based on how vulnerable we become with them. They have the power to make and destroy us.
Although, it has not received a proper diagnosis, but indeed, I believe heartbreak kills. It distablizes a person. You can't function, you can't think, and then it feels like your heart literally got ripped out of your chest. The depression, the sadness, the grief and many more. I know it very well, because I've been there. Heck, I went from being an innocent girl without a single flawed view about the world to a woman that sees gray areas in every situation that presents itself and isn't such a huge fan of "people." Now, I'm in no way urging us not to love or let people in, I'm just stating the need to be more careful with whomever we choose to let in when it comes to our various relationships or friendships. The trauma that comes with not making the best decisions isn't worth the heartache, trust me.
Unfortunately, I can't time travel to change the past, but I'm forging a new life and a new stance. I've buried the past finally and severed the last of the threads that hopefully won't re knot themselves. Ofcourse, the scars from those wounds are evident in my present life but so far, letting go has been like the balm the doctor prescribed.
