Bitter Sweet Rain

There's a tiny dark cloud that hangs above my head and I just can't seem to shake it off. It's my birth month, and I'll be turning 21 this year. 

I've been a little indifferent, not wanting to be expectant or overly excited but I've also been a bit enthusiastic about it especially because it's the period I get to read people's thoughts, prayers and well wishes for me. Hahaha, the best part are the presents I get! 

This emotion isn't usual, why? Normally, I'd have been gushing and coming up with different birthday ideas from the June-July of every year. So I asked myself, "what is wrong?" And I finally got my answer.

In a way, I feel sad for my mum. She doesn't get to see her baby turn 21. She doesn't get to see her grow. I also feel sad for me. I don't get to have my mum and I don't get to experience what she would have made this birthday feel like had she been here. And that's just the thing, the special spark about the 21st birthdays, isn't just there. So I guess, no matter how hard I try to light the candle, it doesn't come on and when it does, the flames die out as quickly as they came on. Its amazing how everything gets so embedded into one another and its crazy that I didn't even understand that this was how I felt until I sat down to actually think about it.

The past doesn't just go away because we wish it to. When I look at people who are going through a tough time, my heart goes out to them. It's not everytime I reach out and most times I act and pretend like I don't see it. 

Not because I don't understand it, but you see there's a way relating with pain wounds you all over again and reopens scars left by old wounds. I guess maybe feigning ignorance is my form of self care. It's selfish, I know. But I really just started understanding what to love oneself means and so far, it's been a beautiful and rejuvenating experience and I can't wait to get to know more about myself. 

This process has made me understand that I'm indeed not as simple as I always thought and within lies a very complicated but unique individual. 

XOXO